


Shadowed

by stormguard798



Category: LoadingReadyRun
Genre: Car Accidents, Diary/Journal, M/M, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Attraction, Roommates, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-04-19 16:49:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 29,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14241630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormguard798/pseuds/stormguard798
Summary: Adam Savidan: Part time streamer, part time wrestling fan, and full time awesome guy. Known for his charming and engaging personality, he is universally loved by everyone who knows him. His current challenge after conquering the 365 streaming challenge and mustering the courage to share his battle with depression? Finding a girlfriend.Enter Ben Ulmer, Adam's co-worker at LoadingReadyRun: Professional Funny Guy, Aspiring MTG Professional Player, and everything anyone would ever want in a boyfriend - kind, understanding, intelligent - everything anyone could ever ask for. If only he was into that...When the two start frequently seeing each other outside of work, step by step, Ben slowly starts to grow on Adam, beyond the friendly banter that they had before; follow them through the jubilant, the traumatic and the touching moments on this journey in discovering what they really mean to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spotify playlist for when I'm writing this below if you're interested...? 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/temporal_arbiter/playlist/0wzNf9XirpgInrCsWQ5uti?si=LBsWJurqTfSq8U2q5Btxow

Dear Diary...Wait is that how people start diary entries nowadays? I wouldn't know; I've always had the impression that such an activity was reserved solely for teenage girls. My therapist told me that it may help to write in a diary, because it's meant to help me express my feelings or whatever, to be able to say what I wish to say without the fear of being judged.

I doubt this is going to help me with anything, but he's helped me out for so many years with my condition at this point, so I figured I would give it a shot. I just need to make sure that nobody else finds out about this - it'll be pretty obvious, since anyone who was will be rolling on the floor laughing at the dumb things I say the moment I catch them. Man, I really hope that no one actually finds them. That is one tangle that I do not need to unravel.

Apparently it's meant to help me truly discover myself or something: now that my self-worth and judgement is slightly better than before, we've started working on being able to build relationships with other people. And not take years of awkward conversations and random greetings to even be able to have a meaningful connection with them. It has been awkward having fictitious conversations with made-up people, but apparently it works. I hope.

I've never been much of a powerful writer - I mean, I've never published an article or written a blog before - but then again, a decade ago, I didn't think that I'd be sharing my life's struggle across the internet, trying to encourage other people to deal with their own depression, advocating for greater awareness of issues such as my own. So here goes nothing.

Let's see...what should we talk about? Lately I've gotten into the habit of trying to say some affirmation to myself every morning, that I am not a complete piece of S who doesn't deserve the air in this world, something along the lines of "you are an amazing person or go out and do something amazing. Or on worse days, "haul your sorry ass and your stupid face out of the lumpy pile of pillows and try to accomplish something even remotely meaningful today." I should really become a life coach; I'm so encouraging.

If I feel like it, like I did this morning, I'll be motivated enough to go to the gym and hit the weights for an hour or so. And if have even more energy, I'll make a return trip in the evening as well. And I'm proud of how well I'm progressing in terms of how much I can lift, but those are the rare days.

And on other days, I struggle to force open my eyes, groggily try to make out the flashing number on my beeping alarm clock, slap my hand across it knocking it to the floor just so it'd stop, and roll my entire body over with my face contorted in a weird shape, mushed into my pillow, and plop back into dreamland when I can't be bothered.

And when I can finally muster up the willpower to haul myself out and get ready for work, I always hit a cold shower, to, y'know, wake myself up and get ready for the day. It may freeze your face over, but it sure as hell forces you awake - quite rudely. The first time I tried one of those, I ended flailing around from the sudden cold, slipping, and rather clumsily collide with the bathroom mat - not a pleasant experience.

Nowadays, since I'm trying to, emphasis on try here, prep to go the gym, I'm basically just having eggs for breakfast. Plenty of protein. And avocado. And this weird green leafy thing called kale - it tastes terrible. And I have to eat a salad for lunch. A limp, soggy pile of leaves.

How do people even subsist on leaves? They contain absolutely no energy, and they taste bitter and slimy and just gross in your mouth - it's like trying to eat a tree. And since I'm always left hungry, I somehow end up even eating more of it. No hamburgers, no hot dogs, nothing in over 2 weeks. It's been an absolute nightmare. Man, dieting is HARD.

But why you may ask? Adam: you are perfect just the way you are, you always look great, blah, blah. Well, lately it's a little different. I have recently been trying to get back out there, to...limited success. That's putting in rather mildly, which is why I've specifically asked relationship building to be my main focus. I thought that perhaps the way to actually be confident and outgoing is to look the part, y'know - I know I already look great, but everything helps.

And today, as soon as I hop off work, I'm going to try something completely new: speed dating. I figured, if there's anything to test the fruits of my relationship building practice, it's definitely attempting to build a strong, solid relationship in the space of about 2 hours with about a gajillion different strangers. That is in no way a terrifying prospect at all. Or it could end up isolating about half the potential single women in this city.

Well, maybe not half: y'know, with internet dating and all rising up in popularity, most people don't even meet in person to begin with anymore. Wait, I know that - I've tried it. And failed rather miserably - I am awful at building a Tinder profile. What pictures go where, nobody knows - plus, I'm not vain enough to take that many selfies. And that there are way too many cat fishing scams online. Oh, some of the dates that I've already been on...

Wait, I'm completely straying off course...What was I talking about again - OH SHIT. SERIOUSLY!? I have spent way too much time writing in this stupid thing already: at this rate I'm going to be extremely late for work. I have my life together, and I am not going to be late for the third time this week, no way. Gotta go. Wait...Why am I saying goodbye to a stupid diary? It's an inanimate object. Oh wow, I seriously do have issues.

...

Adam slid his drink between his hands along the counter-top, hearing the swish swish of the glass as it slid against the wood. This continuous motion calmed him, something predictable amidst the swirl of emotions he was feeling. On and off again for more than a year at this point, every time he had dipped his toe out to possibly try and find that special someone, it had always backfired, and left him feeling even more forlorn than before.

Then he noticed a particular red plaid shirt and a clump of ginger hair approaching, and frantically beckoned for him to come over. "Hey, fancy bumping into you here, Ben. "

Ben pulled up a bar stool and nudged in closer to chat, "Oh Adam, I did not expect to see you here at all. I did not think that you were at all the type for speed dating."

"Why not? Have you not heard my long rants being unable to find love at the Moonbase?" Adam responded, shifting forwards as if trying to press out an answer.

"No, not really - I don't really pay attention to what you say, ever - but I always imagined that you'd prefer to scroll through pretty women on the internet. In the bathroom, in the bedroom, with your pants down..."

"Okay, haha, very funny. I will admit, I have already tried internet dating, but when one thing fails, we try something different." Adam surveyed the scene to see who else was nearby. "Now I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea: there are plenty of prospective single women just waiting to meet me, and I sure as hell don't want them to think I'm already taken. Not everyone here is here for the speed dating night, so...go away." Adam ended with a goofy smile on his face, shooing Ben away in mock annoyance.

Ben replied smugly, "Sure thing dude, as if someone like me would ever end up with someone like you." And before Adam could retort, Ben added on, "Tell me how it goes later, 'k? I'm going to head to my first table now. The event is about to start - you probably should too. Good luck." Ben flashed his classic charismatic smile and a quick wink as he turned away. Adam's smile widened as he too began to move to his table: Hopefully Ben could act as his good luck charm this time round.

...

Adam tugged nervously at the collar of his shirt as he sat down opposite his first date: a tall brunette with her purse, a nervous fog instantly clouding his thought, before a loud question pierced through it. "So, as I was asking, tell me what are your hobbies?" His date looked at him expectantly, exasperated at having to repeat her question multiple

Adam abruptly replied, "Oh I'm into gaming. A lot of gaming. And wrestling." Adam let out a loud round of laughter and a massive grin of his face to the rather perplexed expression of his date. "I only do fun stuff."

"Okay...that's...unique. I like to read. And play the piano. I also have a cat."

"That's cool. I'm more of a dog person myself."

"And what do you do for a living? I game online. And produce a wrestling podcast."

"That...makes sense. Consistent with your hobbies. That's nice. I am...an accountant."

"Hey, I work in top-secret information storage, but honestly it's kind of boring. Wait, I shouldn't have said that. Oops."

An awkward silence lingered between them. "So...don't you have any questions about me?"

Adam pondered for a moment, before blurting out, "I guess. Maybe? Not really. I don't know. You're really pretty."

"Thanks...I guess?" ... Silence. "I don't think we're really compatible. Besides, I think can do much better than someone like you, who honestly? Has absolutely no prospects. Goodbye."

Adam got up from his chair in protest, "Wait, we totally had so many things in common! Come on! You don't even..." Adam suddenly noticed the host of other potential couples who had swivelled their heads to notice this minor raucus, a frown across their faces.

"Urm...sorry to disturb you?" He turned back around, only to realise she had already stood up and walked away. Adam slumped backwards into his bar stool, causing it to furiously swivel around. Oh brother.

...

"So how was did it go?" Ben walked over as Adam was busy downing his fourth glass of the night.

"Not so good", Adam replied, his words slightly slurred. "Every time I met someone, I just seemed to trip over my words, and just fumble around awkwardly until they politely leave. Or less politely so."

Ben kindly patted Adam on the back, and gently eased the glass away from him. "Now you know, Adam, that drowning your feelings in alcohol is never a good choice." Ben jokingly chided.

Adam rolled his eyes in exasperation back at Ben. "Fine Dad, I'll stop," and set his glass down before glaring back up at Ben. "So how did your night go? With your chipper mood, I'm sure that your night went much better than mine."

"Yeah, I met this really cool girl and apparently we both think the other is pretty cool. Turns out she also games, so we're planning to meet up again next week for an aggressive round of Mario Kart. I will win."

"Good for you, man!" Adam exclaimed, before his expression turned slightly dour, "You are so fortunate that you could found someone who likes you for the way you are. I wish I could be more like you: so cheery, positive, and kind all the time - maybe my boldness is a bit too much for people to handle for a first impression. I haven't been able to find a single woman in over a year of scouring that I could form that kind of profound connection with."

"Adam Savidan, don't you dare say that: I know that being rejected can be quite disheartening..."

"...for over a year now at this point..."

"...and this might make you want to give up."

"...have never gotten past a first date..."

"...but I guarantee that there is someone out there waiting for you," Ben finished. He pulled up a stool and turned to face him. "Tell you what, I guarantee that within the next year, that you will have at least gone on a second date, and I will help you find that person whom you'll go on a second date with." He closed his fist and thrust his pinkie out. "And now I will bind this promise with the most holy of agreements."

Adam grumbled and reluctantly reciprocated. "Fine. But you better make good on your promise, or I will descend upon you with the fires of..." Adam struggled to find the word, and eventually settled on, "...me."

"A deal's a deal. So what type of women do you typically look for?"

Adam put down his glass, "Well, I guess she has to be able to make me laugh - I am not a comedian myself - but I sure do love being able to laugh - and probably have to be able to at least understand my deep love for gaming, if not actively participate. But most importantly that they have to be kind, understanding and appreciate me for who I am."

"That's right. For some reason, you always beat up on yourself, sneak in these self-depreciating comments randomly into conversation, and honestly? That's just stupid. When people look for a potential partner, they're looking for someone who is portraying the best version of themselves, not the worst. So be confident, and show off the accomplishments and traits that that define the amazing person you are."

"I guess that makes sense... I should probably start heading home now." Adam tried to haul himself up from the barstool, but immediately stuck out his hand and snatched the countertop in an effort to steady himself.

"Woah, you are incredibly drunk. Were you planning to drive home alone?" Ben said in shock.

"No...? I thought I was going home with someone else." Adam admitted sheepishly.

"Well isn't this incredibly optimistic. Also, if you were looking to bring someone home, you'd at least need to drive." Ben emphasised. "Exactly how many drinks have you had...?" His voice trailed off with a questioning tone.

"I dunno, four, maybe five." Adam shrugged his shoulders, his memory of each drinks already foggy.

"Of beer? I've definitely had a lot more than that. You lightweight."

"Oh right, beer is a drink too. Urm..." Adam's face scrunched together "Then probably about 10?"

"That is...way over the legal limit. C'mon, I'll try to lug you all the way back home" Ben shifted Adam's arms over him, and immediately bucked. "Wow, you are really heavy. Please never get this drunk again - I might have the strength to haul you back."

"I won't have to if you follow through on your promise."

Ben paused for a moment, his eyebrows peeked up in amusement from the bluntness of the response. "...That's fair."


	2. Chapter 2

Hi diary, I am back. It's been a while since I last wrote in you: the night after I inscribed my first entry, I got absolutely wasted, drunk to the point where I could barely walk and I couldn't see straight; Ben had to lug me up the stairs and haul me into bed, and despite that, I still found myself on the floor snared in a cluster of sheets in the morning, my spectacle frame twisted in some weird form, and some vomit shot across my bathroom floor. That day, I last-minute cancelled my stream because the lights of the monitor were too bright for me to handle, and the pounding headaches reverberating through my mind threatened to snap it apart.

And so I just drank more fluids (definitely not more alcohol) and tried to get back to sleep, to numb the echoes that were flooding my mind. I basically slept through the whole of Saturday, and even on Sunday, there were still traces, fragments of the alcohol lingering at the back of my mind. I still wore sunglasses when I went to work on Monday: man, I really need to learn how to manage my liquor. Which is I swear, from this super-secret entry forward, that I will never get that drunk again.

Anyway, I won't be writing in you anytime soon since I will be heading to Vancouver to play in a team GP this upcoming weekend. Serge, Adam and I will be competing in Team Sealed, with the sole objective of attempting to beat the other LRR team - it must be done. And come on: we're amazing, talented, skilled people. Plus, we have a judge, which means we have an inherent advantage...right? But seriously: we have hung out so many times and drank so many cups of artisanal coffee from weird cafes that Serge has brought us, to the point where everyone is probably sick of each other's constant sidetracking, to just parse over 12 packs of cards for hours on end...to the point where we were kicked out for occupying too much space. What can I say? I like to stretch. And spread out the cards as much as possible so I can get a good overview of our entire pool.

Plus, I get really excitable if I have to sit down for extended periods of time: it's not that I have ADD or anything, but after a while I will just start rambling incessantly. But I'm getting off-topic: I think as long as we open some decent rares, and Ben doesn't try to force a splash for a four-colour deck where clearly none is available, we should be okay. I just need to make sure I Day 2 this time: last time, I spectacularly scrubbed with only 1 match win in the main event, so this time, we really need to do better. But most importantly, I should be having fun: ultimately, Magic is a game, and I'm going there to have lots of fun and just have a great time with my friends.

Which reminds me: It's been a while since I've actually traveled with a suitcase. Now, I've always traveled with just a ginormous backpack, not because I think it's more convenient or whatever, but because I've just always used a backpack. I've never been able to find a suitcase that really fit me, that really adequately fulfilled all my needs, and that I could rely on for a long-term basis. And so I've stuck to a backpack: because every time that I have tried to use a suitcase, it's broken down on me, or failed, or just frustrated me to no end.

But things have to change: I plan to go to more Grand Prix, more conventions, more places where I can interact with people, and so I need to change: a backpack isn't going to be able to sustain me in this new lifestyle. So soon after I come back, I'm going to need to enlist the help of my friends to help me find the best suitcase I can for traveling, because I must be fluid to change. And on that note, I really need to go pack now, and try to get some rest before our early flight tomorrow.

...

Adam glanced down at his phone, squinting as he attempted to parse through the notes that they had created during all the practice sessions, his massive backpack perched against his side.. Sure, the main focus was to have fun and meet some fans, but who doesn't like to win? In a game like Magic, it's important to be completely focused on the game, especially at a competitive event like this.

"Surprise!" Adam felt a pair of hands against his shoulder blades, causing him to violently swivel around and raise both his hands up, closed-fisted in defense while dropping his phone on the floor with a sharp clatter, causing the prankster to jump back. "What the hell was that!?" Adam yelled out in shock, an cornered glare in his eyes, "Back off! I am not afraid to fight you!"

"Woah, hey now", Ben sheepishly replied, his hands flung back in front of him as if feigning innocence, with a smile on his face. "Don't be so wound up, bro. Just joking around with you a little bit."

"Oh." Adam instantly relaxed as he let his hands drop down. "Just give me some warning next time before you jump me like that, please. I get especially jumpy when I'm by myself." He glanced around at the slightly annoyed passengers that had directed their glances towards him, "Sorry everybody," and sheepily waved his hands in apology. He deeply sighed, "Man, that's the second public incident in a month. I really need to dial it back."

Ben gently patted him on the shoulder, "That wasn't your fault - I take full responsibility for that. And the first time was the fault of that girl," and added as Adam stuffed his face into his hands in embarrassment, "and yes, I heard. Everybody heard. But that wasn't any fault of your own," Ben chortled slightly. "And by the way, I'm surprised you're not more excited for the Grand Prix: you were practically overflowing with nervous energy right before you went to Vegas, I was honestly shocked you weren't bouncing around the walls of the Moonbase."

Adam looked at his notes, and then back at Ben, " That time, I was just going to have some fun: it didn't really matter how well or poorly I did in the main event or the bounty ones, I knew that I would be able to have oodles of fun regardless - which was good, because I did awful in the main event." His face cringed as he briefly recalled that event. "But this time, we're playing as a team, which means that if I make any misplays, it affects not just me, but you guys too. And I don't want to deal with the sinking feeling of having let anyone down," Adam glanced into Ben's soft pale blue eyes, and then instantly turned away.

"Don't worry, you always make the tightest plays: I know for sure that you won't let us down." Ben glanced down at his watch and rolled his eyes, "How are we the only people here: we did agree 6:30, right?", to which Adam responded by silently nodding. Ben's phone then let out a quick ping, which he then fished out of his backpack. "And now we know why at least Serge isn't here," He turned upwards, "Waiting for gourmet coffee isn't a valid reason, right?"

...

Slamming the hotel room door open with his side before rushing in, Adam threw his massive backpack onto the bed momentarily before joining it with a massive plop. "Man it's been a long day: standing around at an airport is not my idea of fun," he mused as he lay spread eagled across the sheets, staring up at the ceiling.

Ben threw his arms in exasperation, "Hey! It wasn't my fault that someone," Ben proceeded to roll his eyes, "was late and we missed the flight."

Adam laughed, "That's true. But I'm not really in the mood for much else besides food and sleep tonight. Do you know of any good barbecue places around here?"

Ben, completely sidestepping what Adam just said, "Actually there's some side events that we could still make if we hurry. C'mon, the hall is only five minutes away."

"Are you kidding me? We're already playing 9 rounds of magic tomorrow and you want to play more?" Adam sat up in surprise. "Won't you be exhausted?"

"I rarely get to play any paper Magic, so I'm going to seize the opportunity to do so now. Now hurry up and unpack. Where are my deck box and sleeves?" Ben noted as he frantically rummaged through the contents of his suitcase. And as he did so, a flat cuboidal package marked with some rather graphic images fell out, which Adam picked up and immediately recoiled in horror.

Adam's voice suddenly swelled in volume, "Seriously Ben? You smoke?" In a moment of panic Ben tried to snatch them back, but Adam helped them firmly out of their reach. "You're a complete idiot if you still smoke."

"I don't, well, not that much anyway: only about 2 a day," Ben simply shrugged.

"Are you trying to die Ben?", Adam shook his head in disappointment. "You know what smoking causes, right? You're a smart guy: why would you engage in such a horrifying habit?"

"Adam, it's really not that big a deal: I was never planning to smoke in front of you," Ben pleaded.

Adam crossed his arms like a teacher reprimanding a recalcitrant student, "My Uncle died from lung cancer; of course it's a big deal. I am not going to let you carelessly shave off 10 years of your life because you can't break this tiny habit."

Ben pointed at his watch, "Look, Adam, we've got to go for side events, ok? They're going to start soon.

"No. We are not moving until you flush this down the drain: I can do it for you if you don't have the stomach to do so." 

Ben stared at Adam in disbelief, "You're not serious right? I am not going cold turkey right before this event: there's no way I'll be able to focus with the withdrawl."

"Actually, yes you are. Otherwise, I'll quit, and leave you and Serge without a third teammate. Good luck finding a third teammate at this hour, and explaining to Serge why you had to."

"Are you serious? We flew all the way here and you're going to withdraw because of some biased personal logic?" Ben said, incredulous.

"It's not trivial; it's my friend's well-being, and I care about all my friends, especially you. So please, just let me throw them away," Adam's voice turned soft. "I want to help you."

After facing down Adam's stare and realizing that he was not going to yield, Ben finally relented, "Fine, fine, flush them."

As he headed to the bathroom Adam called out, "Know what I'm doing here is good for you", and Ben winced as he heard the flushing sound. Adam called out again as he was washing his hands, "You don't have the appearance of a long-term smoker; I was really surprised." Seeing Ben's distraught expression, Adam cheerily noted as he whipped out his sleeves from the top of his bag, "Don't look so miserable, a couple games of Magic will help you get your mind off things."

"I was hoping to go the entire weekend without you finding out," Ben miserably lamented.

"Are you kidding me? You know how nosey I usually am," Adam mimed searching around the room with a magnifying glass, causing Ben to chuckle a little. "You could never hide anything from me. Also, we are essentially stuck to each other for the weekend, so there is no way you'd be able to sneak off without me knowing." He slung his arm across Ben's shoulder, "C'mon, let's go to those events that were raving about."

...

"Why are there so many people looking at us?" Adam swivelled around, watching the small crowd who eyes follow their group as they walked into the hall. "It's because we're walking next to Graham, James and Serge right? Their faces are probably pretty recognisable from all the Magic streams they do. Since we're in Vancouver and all, right? Most of the people around here probably recognise them."

"And what about me?" Ben gasped dramatically in mock horror. "Am I not a prolific enough Magic streamer for them to recognise?" And seeing Adam opening his mouth to respond, he cut him off, "I'm kidding of course. I don't have that large of a following. But that's not the reason. It's because we're out here with this cutie pie, who's attracting suitors in droves," Ben laughed as he nudged Adam, whose face immediately turned bright red and turned away.

"Let's just head to our table okay?" Adam mumbled under his breath. Man, Ben sure knew how to make him feel uncomfortable.

...

Adam glanced down at his cards in hand, then back across his opponent, who was intensely staring down at the board state, and then back to his hand. A million scenarios rushed into his mind: what removal spell could they have? What trick could they be holding? Pondering for a moment, Adam turned his lands sideways and nervously pointed a card at one of his opponent's creatures. "Destroy that creature and Attack with all of mine...?", his voice trailed off at the end of the sentence. His nervousness turned to elation as his opponent extended the hand in defeat which he vigorously shook.

Currently, Serge, Ben and himself were sitting at 5-2, and needed to win the round to stay alive. Having won only 1 out of the previous 7 matches he played earlier today, Adam's 2nd victory of the day meant that they were only one game away from winning and continuing their run. "Wow," he muttered to himself under his breath, "considering how bad that deck was, I'm surprised it managed to pull out that clutch moment. Go me," a smile across his face. 

Adam scooched over to Ben, who unlike him had a table that looked disappointingly sparse. They were currently tied with1 game each with both Ben and his opponent sitting at precariously low life totals. He whispered to Ben, "Hey, how's it going?

Ben immediately whispered back, "He knows I've got a removal spell that he can't afford to play into, but I can't seem to apply any pressure, and I don't have any threats in hand."

"Oh," Adam said, slightly deflated. "Well then...I'll go check on Serge. As he stood up to walk over, the chair bumped into the table, causing Ben's deck to topple over onto the floor. Adam panicked, looked around and called out, "Judge!"

"Yes?"

"I accidentally knocked over my teammate's deck as I was trying to stand up and am not quite sure what to do."

"Did you know the position of any cards in the deck?", the judge glanced over at Ben.

"No, definitely not."

"And you didn't see any of the cards that fell over, right?

"No."

"Okay: since this was an accident we'll just shuffle the deck and warn you to be slightly more careful next time," the judge left with a smile.

Ben's opponent sighed and dropped his arms to the table, "Pass."

Ben drew the top card off his deck, briefly glanced at it before slamming it down on the table and turning it sideways, "Haste creature, swing for lethal, we win the match?"

Instead of the customary congratulatory handshake, Ben's opponent instead began to jab a finger at Adam, "You intentionally knocked the deck over so that your friend would have a shuffle, you dirty, filthy cheater, I'm sure of it."

Adam's mind frantically scrambled to mount a response, "No, it was an accident. I swear, I didn't intend to..."

"Liar," Ben's opponent spat back vehemently. "It's people like you who are ruining the integrity of this game. I bet this is how you snuck out the rest of your victories: by passing off deliberate cheating as an accident. The only reason you weren't issued a game loss for your repeated 'klutziness' is because you're chummy with a judge; that's it. Bumbling behaviour like yours would never pass if the competitive level was actually enforced for losers like you."

"Judge!" Both Ben and Serge simultaneously called. Ben, red faced and boiling over with anger, forcefully uttered, "My opponent was calling my friend here some really rude names. Could you please ask him to stop?"

"Did you?"

"Me? I would never say such a thing," he replied, still glaring down Adam.

"Well then, since there's no way to verify anything, I am unable to make a judgment, but I'd just like to leave here with a warning to everyone that any kind of inappropriate language will be met with a swift disqualification." Adam glanced back at his opponent after the judge had left to see the venomous accusatory look in his eyes even while packing up his cards.

"Hey, you over there," Ben added, "Adam is one of the most upstanding integral people: he plays honourably regardless of who his opponent is, he is respected by people at his local game store, and he doesn't need to stoop so low to defeat someone like you. You should be ashamed of trying to accuse this integral person of something so horrible." And with that Ben flung his bag over his shoulder and pulled Adam away.

"Thanks for intervening there Ben. I usually only play paper magic with you guys, so I had no idea how to deal with such...sore opponents."

"No problem Adam: I've always got you."

...

"Congrats for making your first ever day 2!" The group clinked glasses at dinner after the Grand Prix, and after that round, the trio had managed to clinch a day 2 spot after a set of very close hard fought matches in the final round. "And a team one too: those are considerably harder, so good job," Graham noted.

Adam stood up with his water and clinked the side of it with his spoon, "I would just like to thank Ben and Serge for being such amazing teammates: I wouldn't have been able to make it this far without all the preparation and support you've given me throughout this process."

Ben patted him on the back, don't worry buddy you know we've always got you. Let's just try to do even better tomorrow; cheers!" He raised his own glass for a toast. And everybody else joined him. 

...

Ben and Adam were strapped in on the flight back home on Sunday evening, having dropped out of the event after accumulating three consecutive team losses on Day 2, failing to pick up even a single game win. "Man, that was a crazy weekend," Adam said as he peered out the window, watching the dusk creeping in across the runway, the closing curtain to an action-packed two days. "But thank you again for standing up for me during that match; I'm not sure that I could have handled the confrontation by myself."

Ben responded, "No: I must thank you."

Adam responded, slightly confused, "For what?"

"This entire weekend, I haven't even thought about smoking, not even once. I guess...sometimes it's hard to admit to yourself that you have a problem, especially if it's a deep, dark, dirty little secret that you try to keep hidden - you don't want anyone else to know about it, and therefore you never think about it either. But when you stood up to me, not for any selfish reason of your own, but because you were genuinely fuelled by your desire to help your friends, something just clicked. When I go back, I'm going to get some help curbing this addiction. Thank you again for making me come to terms with myself, and for making this one of the best weekends in a while."

Adam, a little taken back by the spiel, forced out after a while, "Ummm...you're welcome. I really hope you get better soon. I know how hard it can be to fight through something you feel you can't physically control, and on occasions you may feel like you're not making any progress, but I promise you, you'll get through it, and feel better once you come out of the other end. "

Ben leaned in and whispered, "Please don't tell anyone else about this yet though? I really want to be able to deal with this by myself: I will promise that I'll seek help from you if I need it."

"Yeah, yeah. Totally. Hush hush. I won't tell anybody unless you tell me to."

"Thanks man," Ben gently took hold of Adam's left hand and pulled it across the armrest, hugging it tightly against his own. "Thanks for being such a great friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A/N: Apologies to everyone who is reading this and doesn't understand all the MtG jargon I used: hopefully you guys still understood it. :P I had originally written this part in response to the cheating uproar in the MtG community, and since I was already planning for them to head to a Grand Prix anyway, I thought, why not? Also, it got a little long. Oops.)


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, since I was last here, a lot has changed in my life. Like...a lot. I have since stopped my regular weekly therapy sessions, which has this strangely liberating but unsettling feeling. Like, after all these years, I'm finally ready to be able to deal with depression on my own, that all the hard work that I've spent going to therapy have finally paid off. I'll be perfectly honest, there were periods of time where I felt that I was ramming my head into a brick wall, that any effort I put in was just getting completely wasted, and that I'd be stuck with this for the rest of my life. But then I saw the progress: that bit by bit I felt like I can handle the emotions, that I could see the signs preceding any major episode, and that I could seek help and talk to the people that I needed to.

Now, don't get me wrong: it's not that I'm completely cured, that I'm now some kind of magical mystical happy fairy that can stay positive and cheery all the time, no. A condition like this never really goes away: even if it doesn't surface in a while, there's no saying that some traumatic event won't trigger it. And I've agreed to still see my therapist if I just need someone to talk to - and I guess I still have you, you weird, battered book; I'm honestly amazed you're still in one piece even after all the drawers I've hastily stuffed you into after randomly leaving you out. It's weird though: I am incredibly glad that I have been pronounced stable enough to not need constant check-ins, but this safety net, this protective blanket has been swept off from under my feet. Apparently I'm ready for this so...let's go.

But, speaking of moving out of zones which I am comfortable, the second big change that I have is that I'm finally going streaming and video producing full time. Yes, I know I already participate in a wrestling podcast, and I seem from time to time, but I mean, doing it, like really doing it. I've quit the job I've been working at for, what, over a decade now, and I've decided to full time stream, like 3 times a week, and starting producing commentary videos for Youtube. It's something that I've been trying to put the pieces in progress for for a long time now, and only recently have I been able to devote the time to making it work.

I loved my old job - the hours were great and the people were awesome - but at some point, it's not what I'm truly passionate about: I love video games. Fact. I love watching WWE. fact. And I want to be able to do that all day, every day. But that's the scary part of it all: that while I'm trying to establish myself as a quality content producer, that I have to pay rent and feed myself - and I eat a lot. Sure, I have great mentors in people like my friends over at LRR, and they've been really supportive in teaching me tricks and tips and the like, but ultimately, they can only shoulder me to a certain extent, which is exactly how it should be.

And honestly, I am positively terrified: for the first time in a while, I'm a complete free drifter. I drown myself in work, pushing myself to the limit every single day with learning, with streaming, with exercising just so that it shifts to the back of my mind, sitting there subconsciously nagging me, but it never goes away. And I'm not sure even you could help me.

"I know I asked to join you as a workout buddy, but man, you are freaking intense. I'm not as buff as you remember? Take it easy dude. You've done so many lifts today I've lost count. What set are you on again?", Ben panted slightly as he scrambled to wipe the sweat that was profusely dripping down his face, his T-shirt tightly clinging to his chest.

"10...Can't...I need...tired...work...to do," Adam puffed out between lifting the weights above his head, his arms perfectly parallel to the bench before slowly setting them back down. He sat up slowly, "Besides, if I am out here, then I won't wallowing alone at home: I don't find myself particularly entertaining. Hand me that towel, won't you?"

Ben landed, exhausted, on an unoccupied weight lifting station and tossed the towel over, which Adam caught with one hand, and slipped it under his clothes to begin drying off. "We've been out here," he briefly glanced down this watch, "for almost two hours at this point. I'm pretty sure that's more than enough for one day. Besides, it's not true that you're completely alone; you've got me, remember?" Ben winked back at Adam. "I know I'm not really one to talk, since I basically do the same thing, but driving yourself into exhausted oblivion through exercise to forget your problems...only occasionally works. Relax a little."

"That's easy for you to say: you're already an established streamer with a Twitch partnership; you're not a struggling new full time streamer and commentary person thing who has to worry from day to day about whether he can afford the roof over his head," Adam retorted, a slight twinge of annoyance in his voice.

"And? The stress translates to your stream, you know: people can tell when you are upset or when you're just fed up, and over time, if you keep this up, you will just start to lose your audience. That's why I try to keep as much of a manageable schedule as possible because I know I can perform my best every time that way," Ben shrugged. "Plus, I've seen you panicked, and you're no fun to hang out with then. I think we all prefer smiley Adam." Ben finished off with a shy smile.

Adam glanced down at the linoleum, "I guess... it's just really scary leaving a regular job, you know? I mean, streaming is what I want to do, it's wha I love to do, but I don't have anything to fall back to: it's completely do or die, and that prospect is absolutely terrifying. I don't have time to just kick back and relax, sitting back and just sipping cocktails."

Ben suddenly stood up, his eyes sparkling with the dangerous gleam like that of a mad scientist. He raised his fist in a triumphant gesture, "By gosh, I've got it. Adam Savidan, you totally need to relax, so tomorrow, we are going to go have a day off. I'll plan out a day chock-full of things

Adam shrugged and sighed, "Ben, I have a stream scheduled for tomorrow, and I've got to get the script for my video...", at which point Ben abruptly cut him off.

"Nope. You need to take a break big guy. So I'll meet you outside your apartment building tomorrow: I'll text you the time to meet." Ben stood up and began to head to the locker room.

Adam immediately followed him, "Ben I don't think it's practical for me to..."

Ben called back without turning around, "No excuses. Don't you dare ditch me tomorrow: I will swing by to pick you up and you better be ready to go. I am not going up to drag you out," his voice trailed off as he exited the gym area.

Adam quickened his pace, "Ben! Get back here!"

...

Adam stared at disbelief at the storefront he was standing in front on his side,hands at his side, his head tilted to the side, and his mouth slightly open, "What on earth is this?"

Ben slammed the car door shut after stepping out, "It's called a spa, Adam, and this particular place has one of the best massages in town." Seeing his perplexed expression, Ben added on, "Yes Adam don't make it sound as if every word I am saying is completely foreign: I'm sure you know what a massage is."

Adam stammered, still slightly amazed, "Guys don't really go for massages, do they...? We unwind by playing video games, or..."

"...by going to the gym and becoming completely exhausted. And how's that working out for you?" Ben quickly interjected. Seeing Adam's silence, Ben added on, "And besides, I come here to relax sometimes, so why not you? I often come here when I'm feeling stressed or sad, because it's just nice to escape from everything for a little while; besides they are really good. You never know until you try or something, right?"

Ben pushed open the door to the place before Adam could respond. "Hey Elise," he called out to the receptionist, who raised her head from the desktop with a smile.

"Hey Ben! So I see you've brought a friend this time."

"Yep: this is my friend Adam," Adam gave a deflated wave back, "and I'm pretty sure this is his first massage."

"Okay. So I'm guessing it'll be the same treatment for him as well? I assume you're getting the usual?"

"You know me so well," Ben responded with a wink.

Elise gestured to a nearby door, "Here's the changing room. Your Therapists will be ready shortly.

...

Adam stiffly clamoured onto the massage bed in his white robe, painstakingly spread apart his limbs, creaking apart one joint at a time, before facing down amongst the fluffy white headrest. "This is so awkward, and the random I-don't-even-know-what-instrument-this-is music in the background is not helping."

"Just chill," Ben called from the table opposite. "You're still

"You really should follow your friend's advice," said the massage therapist hovering above him, and who began to apply warm massage oils all over him. "How can I relax," Adam pointed out, "when I'm spread half naked across a table and a complete stranger is about to touch... Oh geez that is good," Adam moaned in relief and surprise as the therapist pressed their fingers into a knot in his back. "Oh man, wow, yes, just keep doing that."

"Just close your eyes, and I'll make sure you're feeling in tip-top shape once this is over."

"Okay, just keep doing what you're doing..."

...

"Adam! Yo! Are you OK?" Adam groggily opened his eyes to see a blurry image of Ben's face a couple centimetres from him, already fully dressed.

"Gah! You're done already?" Adam jumped up in surprise, and immediately pulled his robe closer to him.

"Yeah, I was done 15 minutes ago," Ben shrugged. "I think you've been sleeping this entire time. Man, you must have been tired."

"Was I? Oh I didn't realise," Adam swung his limbs around, and already he could feel that his limbs were much lighter, less tense, and the tightness in the small of his back was gone. "Wow, are these people wizards? I feel like 10 pounds lighter and I've just gotten 12 hours of sleep."

"Only because you're carrying all that emotional baggage around. C'mon," Ben tugged at Adam's arm, "There's one more thing I want to do today."

...

Ben unfolded the red plaid picnic blanket from his basket on a flat patch of soft grass while Adam surveyed the surroundings from the top of the hill. "Wow you can really see everything from here. Look," Adam pointed, "I can see my apartment from here. And yours. And the Moonbase. And my workplace."

"Well, duh: that's why I picked it." Ben flung open the ice chest, and after rummaging around for a moment, dug out two beers from the depths of ice, and flung one at Adam's direction, which he deftly caught with one hand. "Nothing better on a hot afternoon than a cold beer, am I right?"

"I really shouldn't be drinking this right now..." Adam's mouth scrunched up into an expression of worry.

"Oh just shut up and drink it," Ben bluntly blurted. "You really need to just relax every once in a while; besides, this thing isn't going to kill you."

Reluctantly, Adam prised off the cap and took a large swig before landing back into the blanket. "Wow I haven't had a cold one in quite a while," he mused while laying flat on the ground, glancing into the lightly-speckled blue sky above.

"I'm not surprised with the way that you've been beating yourself up lately, both physically and mentally." Ben fished into the basket and pulled out a parcel wrapped in foil. "Here. I don't know what type of sandwich you typically eat, so I just made ham and cheese. Classic, most people like it. Well, unless you're vegetarian - or vegan. But you're not. So...just eat it."

"Yeah that's fine," Adam said as he unwrapped it, still a little dazed from staring up at the sun. Peeling off the foil before taking a massive chomp, Adam immediately recoiled in disgust and confusion. "Seriously, who would ruins perfectly good sandwich with mayo? Mayo doesn't go with anything."

"Oh just shut up and eat your stupid sandwich, you petulant child," Ben laughed.

"Hey, I'm your dad, remember? At least according to the internet. So don't sass me off, young man."

"Right," Ben gave Adam a withering glance, "Because a parent would be such a picky eater. And..." Ben took another gulp of his beer, "Let their kids drink alcohol."

Adam shrugged, "You never know. Maybe I'm a special kind of parent. Like, you know, one of those amazing prodigy parents who has never parented before but is amazing. Besides, maybe my unorthodox tactics lead to the best children." Adam moved to pat the top of Ben's head, which he weakly swiped away. They both took a bite from the sandwich and for a moment chewed in silence.

Swallowing, Adam turned to face Ben and said, "Thanks for planning this day for me; it was just what I needed to destress and get back into the groove. It is something that I would have never thought of for myself, but I think it was exactly what I needed to get back on track."

Ben casually shrugged, "No problem man: friends are here to see what you can't, and just be there when you really need us the most."

Adam mused, "I guess you're right." Having finished the sandwich, Adam crumpled up the foil and rolled around the ball of foil in the palm of his right hand. "So...are we doing this again next weekend?"

Ben stood up a little straighter, "Are you serious? Was it really that fun?"

Adam mimed balancing objects on a set of scales, "Well, I'm not sure I'd completely quantify that as fun, but it was extremely enjoyable and really helped take the stress away, so why not? Next week though, I'm definitely making the sandwiches. What type of sandwich do you like?"

Ben responded with a coy smile, "Ham and cheese."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: So it only took me 3 whole parts to address the most important part of Adam/Ben internet canon - that apparently Adam and James are Ben's parents on account of him being significantly younger than both of them. Personally, I don't see the father/son relationship between them, but I could definitely see Adam being Ben's 'daddy'.  
> ... You know what? Never mind.]


	4. Chapter 4

It's been about a month since I switched over to full-time streaming, and it's been as taxing as I imagined. People may think that streamers just sit on their butts all day staring at a computer screen playing video games, which is not...fine, it's sort of exactly what we do. But people always severely underestimate the work that goes into it: the hours of navigating the deep abyss that is Photoshop in an attempt to make a half-decent overlay for the stream, or trying to get the green screen working without completely blanking out half my face, now that is exhausting. Everyday I stream I wake up at 7 for a noontime stream, and everyday I don't I'd spend a solid 9 hours attempting to get my editing software to not crash on me.

Streaming is a lot of work, and requires a lot of extra time compared to a regular 'office' job I guess. I'm sort of doing what I love to do I guess? It's a lot more extra work than I imagined, however: I knew about all the prep work for streaming, which is why I didn't stream as often as I should, but I definitely didn't anticipate how much time it took to edit, with all the text, and the multiple overlays, and trying to balance the video and audio, it's just a mess.

It's been a very rough crawl from the beginning, and since I'm still trying to get it lifted off, I don't see it slowing down anytime soon. I've completely put my quest to find a partner on the complete backburner at this point: since becoming my own boss, I have somehow dictated that I get absolutely no free time, so...completely have the time to devote to a serious relationship.

I've been very vigilant about meeting up with my friends at least once every week outside, of course, my Saturday stream over at LRR, as well as visiting the gym basically every day, just to keep myself sane: when you spend the entire day sitting in front of a screen, you really need to force yourself to get out there and amply interact with people. Humans are social beings, and despite my social ineptness, I do need to aggressively interact with others just so I can maintain some semblance of the relationships that I used to have at work.

If I'm just sitting at home, simmering in my own thoughts, it becomes all the more likely that some thoughts, negative thoughts will just come crashing in, and I don't want that. In fact, I've recently joined a local rugby team - we practice on Wednesday nights, and I've been able to mildly recreate the camaraderie that I used to have with my colleagues; plus, I'm really able to channel that competitive energy that I have from gaming into just slamming people on the pitch, which is nice. I mean, I'm not a fan of constantly feeling physically exhausted, but apparently exercise does some weird biology stuff in my brain to just make me feel happier I guess, so as long as I'm still human I guess that's what I'm doing.

And in this process, I've realised how amusing writing my thoughts and feelings in this diary has been: since I no longer have an actual human being to talk to about my everyday tribulations, I guess you make a pretty decent substitute. When I first started this, I thought that it would be completely useless: I mean, you're literally paper. And ink. A completely inanimate object who can't interact with you in anyway - I mean, how is that supposed to comfort you in any way?

But I guess having some kind of outlet to just really lay everything out for you, to see that some of what you're saying is completely ridiculous, and doesn't warrant any worry. Heck, unlike a human, it's completely incapable of judging you, it's completely incapable of giving you weird stares, so maybe in some ways, it's better. Well...

...

"Hey Adam, how was rugby practice?" Ben, wrapped in a thick trench coat and a plaid scarf wrapped around his neck, slowly strode over to the pitch as Adam was standing next to the stands, busy stuffing the rest of his clothes back into his gym bag. "Where's everyone else?

Adam glanced up, a quizzical look on his face, "Oh, we finished the match a long time ago. I just...felt the need to run some laps after the match." Then he paused. "Wait, how did you even know I was here?" He shifted back a little, "Are you stalking me?"

Ben smiled deviantly, "Yes, I definitely attached a roaming device onto your phone." Then he burst into laughter, "Of course not, you bumpkin. Don't you forget we all share a calendar? Wednesday evening you have it marked out 'I am at practice at the nearby rugby pitch if you call me I will not answer'. Is it not obvious?" Seeing Adam's look of realization, Ben glanced up at the darkening sky, "Also, seriously? Additional laps after running around for more than a hour? Aren't you at all tired from that long match you just had? It's almost nighttime - You really should be heading home now."

Adam shrugged, "I felt as if I had a little more energy to give. It's not as if I'm doing anything more productive with it. Speaking of which, why are you here? Shouldn't you be at home writing, reading, or gaming?"

Ben gestured around him, "Actually, I decided to go out for an evening walk, just a casual stroll down at the friendly neighbourhood park. It's a nice, absolutely freezing day outside here, so it's simply perfect for going out for a nice, relaxing stroll." Ben glanced down at Adam's rugby shorts, which only reached halfway down his thigh. "Besides, I'm the one whose warmly

Adam crossed his arms, "Really? That's the only reason you walked, what, 20 minutes from your home to this extremely deserted pitch, not even to a park but to a sports pitch, just to take a casual stroll?" Adam zipped up the duffel bag and slung it over his shoulder. "So why did you really come here?"

"Well, he saw through my ruse." Ben wriggled a long, thin parcel out from inside his coat and presented "As you can see, it's a little bit crumpled, but I stumbled upon this day, and it reminded me of you. Since I didn't know when we would next meet up, and I didn't want this to die on my hands, so I decided to come over and give it to you while I still could." Adam held out his hand to received a rather crushed sunflower wrapped in crinkled plastic.

"This is a...flower. And why...are you giving this to...me?"

"This is known as the Teddy Bear sunflower, and you're this big cuddly bear of a person who's just so adorable and such a nice guy who's just always great to be around. You create this warm, fuzzy atmosphere with your laughter and your energy that's always welcome. Plus, I know you're not really much of a touchy-feely person, but you do give some really good bear hugs. "So," Ben scratched the side of his head, "I just thought that it would be a nice gesture," and let out a faint smile.

Adam blushed slightly and turned away, embarrassed yet flattered by this simple gesture. He gripped the stem tightly as he said, "Wow, I guess...thank you very much. I...really did not expect that. It was a very welcome surprise." He glanced down at his own sweat-soaked shirt and grimaced, "Sorry, man. As you can evidently see, I've just done a lot of exercise, so I currently smell absolutely awful. I should probably go home and shower; that shouldn't take too long. Then we can go just hang out afterwards?"

"Sure," Ben curtly replied. A silence floated between the two, neither quite sure how to continue on from this point: should he ask Ben to just wait here, or come over? Would it be weird for him since he's never been over?

Just then, he felt a drop of water splatter against his nose. He looked up to see the first drops of rain descend from the sky, which were quickly building up into a torrential pour that struck the ground with heavy blow after blow. "Aw shucks seriously?" Adam exclaimed as he desperately raised his sports bag over his head. He gestured towards Ben, who had also dragged his own coat over his head. "My place is 5 minutes away if we run."

He then turned towards the path, and started dashing through the muddy puddles that were quickly forming amongst the grass, flicking up small spurts of water with his heel as Ben rapidly chased after him, pulling his coat further over as he did so. "You really should have stayed home today! Or at least, you know, brought an umbrella," Adam called back as they managed to reached the pavement, the raindrops forming a thick veil across his glasses, distorting his vision.

"Well I apologise for being nice. Ben frantically ducked under the canopy of a nearby building.

"Just hurry up and move! And stop stepping in the puddles!"

...

Adam wrangled his towel through his hair trying to extract the last drops of water from it. "I'm so sorry I took so long in the shower, it was just so warm and nice and comfy, and now you can...Holy shit, Ben!" He immediately proceeded to drape the towel over his eyes to avoid seeing the scene in front of him. "What in the hell are you doing!"

Ben glanced down at the pile of sopping wet clothes at his feet, and back towards Adam, who seemed to be attempting to squish himself behind the towel, as if trying to wipe what he just saw from his eyes, and simply shrugged. "What can I say? I was really cold, standing here in all my wet clothes, so I just took them off. I didn't want to get hypothermia."

Adam gritted his teeth and gnashed out, "Ben. You are standing completely buck naked. Just...out there. Completely unabashed. In my living room. Soaking the carpet. Without closing the windows or anything. Could you just, put something on?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not at my house. So...do you have any clothes I can borrow?" Ben asked sheepishly.

Adam flung the towel at Ben, who snatched it out of the air and immediately wrapped it around his waist, and proceeded to push-usher Ben to the bathroom. "Just hurry up and get in there and shower; I'll rummage through my wardrobe and see what I can find for you."

Ben's voice came through muffled through the bathroom door, "Are you sure?"

"Yes! Just...hurry up and shower!"

...

Amply warmed and, fortunately, fully clothed, Ben was now sitting on the sofa swathed in one of Adam's T-shirts and sweatpants, and Adam's only plaid blanket wrapped around him. He grabbed a pillow from the couch and aggressively hugged it. Adam walked over from the kitchen two frothing mugs in hand, "Here you go."

Ben took a mug from him and immediately asked, "Marshmallows?"

"Of course. How could anyone have hot chocolate without marshmallows?"

Ben took a small sip, the warm ambrosia flowing down his throat, and sighed contentedly. "Thanks."

"No problem man. By the way, I don't have a vase at home - shocker - so I just put the flower into a random glass. Hope that's okay. Although to be fair, it's practically been annihilated at this point. And also, I apologise for," Adam gestured around to the pile of dirty dishes gathering at the sink and the random stacks of electronics peppering the floor, "for this mess."

"Are you kidding? Of course that's fine. And I should be the one apologising: I am so sorry if I made you really uncomfortable just now, I just...it was cold, okay? Hopefully you weren't recoiling at the sight of my flabby body; I'm sure your abdomen is much harder."

"Urm, that's not the reason...never mind. Just please don't do that again: it's going to be so difficult to explain to my neighbours why there's a naked man just lounging about in the middle of my living room. Not that I regularly talk to my neighbours, but..." Adam sat down on the other end of the couch and peered outside the window, where the rain was still coming down in heavy torrents, cascading down the window in sheets. "Maybe you should stay here at least until the rain clears up?"

Ben joined Adam in surveying the evening cityscape outside, responding with a soft "Yeah."

"So...did you really have nothing better to do on a Wednesday evening? You're a young millennial with a girlfriend; I'm honestly surprised you're not out partying."

Ben laughed. "I guess not? Amanda's away on a work trip this week, and most of the crew were on AFK tonight."

"You really had nothing else to do?"

"Well, here's the thing right? Ever since I've moved to this island, I've lost a lot of the close friends I've had before. Now don't get me wrong, Victoria is great, and I've made tons of new friends here, but everyday I feel as if I'm severing just another section of my past, that I am somehow distancing myself from my roots. And as much as I do love it here, it can be difficult to lose that part of me. There have been days where I'm just stuck in this rut of feeling unwanted and unloved because a friend of mine no longer talks to me, and even if it is an inevitable part of moving away, the knife still digs deep every time."

Ben's voice dropped a touch quieter, "I'm not sure that this is something you can understand, but whenever a close friend leaves me, it feels like there's something personally wrong with me, that there's some abhorrent quality in me that makes me be a terrible friend. And to top that all off, my roommate is moving out at the end of the month to be with their girlfriend, and I have no idea what I'm supposed to do now." Ben took a deep breath after his mini tirade, and deeply exhaled, his eyes starting to get a little watery.

Adam sat there for a moment in stunned silence before scooching closer and wrapping one arm around him. "Wow, Ben. I didn't know you felt that way. I've basically lived here my entire life so I can't begin to understand how that must feel but...know that you'll always have a friend in me. There is absolutely nothing about you that wouldn't make you an amazing friend: I mean, look at what you did for me today. I'm sure that anyone who has lost touch with you must be completely devastated."

Ben wrapped both his hands tightly around the warm mug and pulled in closer to Adam, "Thanks man. You don't know how much it means to hear you say that." They both paused for a moment quietly watching the trails of rain streak down the window, staring out into the cobalt blue night sky. "Say," Ben slowly began, "you don't have a roommate right?"

Adam cocked his head sideways, "Why do you ask?"

"You could always move in with me. After all, I do currently live both closer to the Moonbase and your place of work." Seeing Adam's shocked expression, Ben followed up, "Would that be too weird? I mean, we already see each other so often: maybe we shouldn't live with each other. We'd might get sick of each other pretty quickly."

"No it's just...I had never considered something like that before." Adam glanced around his apartment, "I mean this place is getting a little bit rusty the shower pressures off and the paint is starting to peel; I don't see why not. I'll talk to my landlord in a couple of days."

"Wait really you would do that for me?" Ben seemed a little taken aback.

"No," Adam corrected, "I am doing this for me." They both clinked their mugs in a toast, and grinning, turned back out to see the clouds finally beginning to let up.

...

A few days later, Adam came home from work to find a small bag outside his doorstep with the clothes he had lent Ben, washed, a set of keys and a note. "Thought you might need these, future roomie. Get ready for a whole storm of shenanigans. :) XOXO" Adam fished the keys out of the bag and smiling, shook his head as if in amused resignation. "Well, I better get ready for a wild ride."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: The original part had Adam and Ben showering together, but changed it after I decided that even Ben would not be comfortable doing it, and also, I was highly uncomfortable writing it. :P Hopefully this part still has enough awkward moments and heartfelt emotion for you though. :)]


	5. Chapter 5

It's the end of the month, and we all know what that means: I'm moving! Man, it's been what, five years since I last moved? I've forgotten how much of a pain it is to pack: there's just stuff I've unearthed from the depths of my closet that I haven't used in years that I didn't realise I've had. It's amazing how much stuff we buy that we just don't use: most of the moving process has just been throwing away things. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a huge fan of change; I typically like the way things are simply so I can get into the rhythm of it, and there's always some measure of uncertainty with new things. And with Ben, I've come to learn unusual is the new normal, and I'm not entirely sure if I can handle such a massive shift.

But something tells me that this change is going to be much better than normal: being and having a roommate is probably much better than staying at home at night all by myself, I think? And besides, being around someone like Ben so often, I'll probably open myself up to a whole bevy of new experiences that I would never think to do myself (Although, to be fair, that's pretty much the case whenever you develop a new relationship with anyone.) I'm not sure if I'll miss the surprisingly loud snoring of my upstairs neighbour (who, in so many years, I've never actually met) or the stray cats who just love to hang out by the front door, but all I can say is that it definitely will be quite different.

Speaking of Ben, in the weeks leading up to the move, we've been spending a lot more time around each other, trying to get used to each other's rhythm and how to act around each other. I guess we have the advantage of having known each other beforehand - which actually means that one night a week for the past couple of weeks I've been moving stuff in while his roommate was moving out - but I'm still going to end up seeing him much more often that it might shake things up quite a bit.

I still occasionally harken back to the night that Ben showed me such vulnerability (and how uninhibited and shameless he was, but that's a story for another time). I mean, I know Ben also had some mental health issues, just like me, but I couldn't imagine that he could show such depth of an emotion other than pure joy. It was revealing to say the least. For myself, I always try to show happiness, to laugh as much as possible, to make how I seem on the outside reflect how I want to feel; it just never truly occurred to me that someone else would do the same thing.

So the truck should be here in just a couple of hours, at which point I will move the remainder of my boxes to my new home! It's been an exhausting couple of days, and my hands feel oddly sticky from all those taping of things together so they don't fall apart, even after washing my hands, which is strange. I've also spent the past couple of days sleeping on the old couch (Ben's got one, and I've had this one since I've first moved out, so...over 10 years? Yeah, it was time) since I've had to move my bed there early - it's been rough on the back. But yeah, everything's packed and ready to go, so let's get going!

...

Adam huffed as he lifted the last precarious stack of cardboard boxes up the last couple flights of stairs, the top box wobbling slightly as his arms shook under their weight, exhausted after hauling boxes for the past 2 hours. With a final couple sure-footed strides, Adam made it to the doorway, and slowly lowered the boxes through the doorway, placing them down with a soft thud before putting his hands on his knees and bending over, breathing heavily.

Adam glared over at Ben, who was sprawled across the couch, amusedly watching on. "Do you care to lend a hand?"

"Me? Why? It's not as if I'm moving. I've already emptied out the top shelf of the kitchen counter-top and vacuumed the room: I think I've done plenty." Without getting up in any way, he stretched his hand out to grab his glass of water and take a quick sip. "Ah, a nice cool drink of water after a hard day of physical labor," Ben commented, causing Adam to glare at him even further.

"Fine: be that way. It's already getting late: I'm going to start to get the bed set up so that I at least have somewhere to sleep tonight." Adam began to walk to the room.

"Hey, you could always sleep on the couch if you need to! Besides, we should totally go watch a movie. Have you watched the new Marvel movie yet? I heard it's pretty good."

Adam turned around to face him, "No, I haven't. Clearly. Because I've been packing for the move for the past week, so I haven't been out for 3 hours to watch a movie." He sighed, clearly exasperated. "And we still don't have time to go watch a movie," he gestured to the numerous piles of boxes still stacked by the roadside, "cause I have all of these still to unpack. And I've got a stream taking up a huge chunk of tomorrow, so I won't have time to do it then."

Ben stretched out his arms as he sat up and shrugged, "Eh. It's fine. Your viewers will understand. Besides, you seem really tired: do you really want to spend the next couple of hours sorting through all of the boxes? Plus, you really need to take a shower; I can smell you from over here." Seeing Adam's attempt to sniff himself, Ben then followed up, "Awesome! I'll go get ready, and I'll meet you out here in 10."

Adam shook his head in resignation as Ben sauntered into his room, casually whistling a tune as he did so: he was way too easily swayed.

...

"Still don't know why you dragged me into this," Adam grumbled as they quietly sneaked into the theater, the opening scene already playing in front of them.

"Because someone took forever getting changed, causing us to be late to the cinema, and therefore miss the screening for the Marvel movie by a long shot. We were lucky to get to see a movie at all." Ben thrust a box of popcorn at Adam, "Just take this and be quiet."

"That someone was you! Who on earth takes that long to style their hair? We're just going out for a movie. Literally no one cares!" Adam declared, completely ignoring the flurry of hushes from the patrons around him.

Ben leaned over as he used his left palm to push back his hair, "Hey. You better get very quickly used to this sort of nonsense from me. Also, at least be grateful that I paid for both our tickets. Just sit back and enjoy the moment. It's free, so you might as well."

"Fine," Adam hissed through gritted teeth. "But this better be good." He slumped back into his seat just as the intro credits finished, arms crossed over his chest.

After just 10 minutes, Adam placed his hand over his mouth in a futile attempt to stifle a yawn. "Man this is so boring," he whined, stretching and pushing his feet up against the seat in front of him while grasping the top of his seat with both hands. "We get it, the two meet up, and clearly from the weird music playing in the background, they are clearly going to fall in love with each other, after some number of trials and tribulations, and they end up together. Huge, huge surprise." He yammered on to Ben, who was attempting to focus on what was happening on the screen. "Ready to go?"

Ben fanned away Adam in an attempt to shush him, "Shhh...I'm trying to watch the movie. Just sit there, be quiet, and eat your popcorn like a good boy."

Adam's voice kicked up another semitone as he whined, "All the popcorn is already gone. C'mob Ben," Adam tugged at Ben's shirt, who proceeded to swipe him away, before proceeding to flick some kernels of popcorn back at him.

"Hiya! Stay away from me!" Ben shot out under a whisper. "Let me finish the rest of this movie!"

"Excuse me?" Ben and Adam both turned to see an usher shining their flashlight at them, caught in the middle of their tussle. "Sirs, could you please both quiet down and refrain from disturbing the other patrons? If this occurs again, I'm afraid I'll have to kick you out."

In response, Ben flashed a huge grin, "No problem. Thank you for telling us." As the usher walked away, Ben grinned, "Okay. That's enough goofing around. If you want to, just go home first."

"Ugh, fine. I'll stay here and watch the rest of the stupid movie with you."

...

Adam stretched his arms and let out a cavernous yawn as he and Ben began walking back home, shaking around his legs in an attempt to get some feeling back into them. "Well, that's 2 hours of my life down the drain. So much for having a fun time at the cinema, huh? All of my limbs feel as if they've been cooped up for weeks: those seats were not designed for people my size."

Ben rolled his eyes at him, "Yeah, yeah. We get it, you're practically a giant. Also, that movie was pretty good. All the classical components of any good romantic movie: they get together, they break up, they get back together again: I can see why it was nominated for an Oscar. Although," he used his right hand to stroke his beard as he looked upwards as if deep in thought, "I did not see that ending coming. Wow." He turned to Adam, who was still in the middle of stretching out his arms and legs, "Imagine how brutal it must be to find out your former love has been married. That must be rough. Would not want to show up to that wedding."

"I wouldn't know, and nor would anyone: remember, this is a fictional movie. That," Adam pointed back into the direction of the cinema, "would never happen in real life. Ever. Although it didn't have one of those ridiculous fairy-tale endings, no series of coincidences happens so perfectly in sequence with each other. Ever. And when people tell their parents about their secret, forbidden relationship, no rational human being would ever react that well. It's terrible media giving us complete misrepresentations of relationships actually function in the real world." His glance riveted back to Ben, who was busy looking at his fingernails. "So now that we're done, what's for dinner?"

"How would I know? I don't cook."

"What? So you asked me to go out before you had even prepared anything? I thought you already had something pre-made before you left: why would you do that?"

Ben shrugged, "We can always order in. Don't worry about it."

"It's already 10 o'clock: what kind of restaurant is still even open?"

"Just because it's already past your bedtime doesn't mean you have "We could always order in pizza. Or...," his eyes perked up as he noticed some familiar glowing golden arches. "We could go and get some nugs. C'mon," Ben nudged at Adam's shoulder, furiously grinning. "Just think of all the nuggets we could get...all the nuggets..."

"Yes, let's do this!" Adam interrupted, a smile spreading across his face. "McDonalds, McDonalds, McDonalds," Adam started chanting as he skipped down the road, his voice higher by about an octave, Ben joining him soon after, to the bewilderment of the few passerby still on the road.

After only about 30 seconds of sauntering, they had both quickly gotten bored. "You know, I thought that you'd be all 'I need to eat healthy and fried food is bad for you' or some iteration of that jazz."

"I've spent most of today doing heavy lifting. I deserve some nuggets. Unlike you: you don't get any nuggets."

"Hey! No taking away my nuggets!"

"You can still have a cheeseburger."

"...That works."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: So for this chapter, I just wanted a fun little section as the relationship between Adam and Ben develops. They are maturing a lot as they accumulate experiences with each other, but fundamentally, they are both completely childish goofballs, and with the story taking a serious turn, I felt that a nice injection of just shenanigans was quite appropriate.]


	6. Chapter 6

A month has passed by since I have moved in with Ben, and it has been quite illuminating, to put it mildly. Even now, we're still not completely quite in sync: just the other day we had this quite awkward scenario:

"Ben, where is the toilet paper?" Adam called from the bathroom. "I can't seem to find any."

"Sorry, something has come up, please wait a moment," Ben spoke into the computer before taking off his headphones, spinning around his swivel chair to face the hallway. "Have you checked the upper cabinet? I usually put all the bathroom supplies there."

Some shuffling and rustling ensued. "Nope. Not here. Could you pass me some from outside? We just bought two whole bags: we must have some somewhere."

"I don't remember doing that; when exactly did we do this...?" Ben's voice trailed off in confusion.

"When you went grocery shopping yesterday. It was on the list that I passed to you of stuff that we needed."

"Oh, that scrap of paper? That was what it was? I still haven't looked at it: I thought it was a password"

"What!?" Adam's voice thundered through the bathroom door. "Why did you do that? I gave it to you for a reason. I told you it was a shopping list."

"Hey, just use tissues until then. I'll just go buy them tomorrow."

"We don't have any tissues either! That was also on the list! Can't you just go to the grocery store now? I am not wiping my butt with a towel. I would," he emphasised, "Adam's voice had noticeably gone up a couple of tones in pitch, and a couple of decibels in volume, frustration noticeably creeping up in his voice."

"Urm...Adam?" Ben tentatively responded.

"What now?"

"You do realise that I'm currently streaming right now, yes? And that everyone on stream just heard that entire exchange, yes?" Adam fell silent. "Also, I just did laundry, so we currently have no available towels. Can you wait for 5 hours?"

Following that, I did what might be one of the most embarrassing things in my life. Of which I have vowed never to speak of again. Needless to say, I never let Ben do the groceries again. Recently, I've decided to establish a very clear schedule as to who would do what so that we always have the boring adult stuff done: a tiresome but unfortunately necessary chore. At least the hot water hasn't run out again since we established it.

Which reminds me, it has been surprisingly straightforward to establish a streaming schedule considering that we are both full-time streamers: I'm used to waking up relatively early in the morning, so I typically take the morning slot with Ben taking the afternoon oneOf course, the advantage is that we are always passing the baton, so to speak, and hosting the other on our channel, so if viewers, they can get up to 10 hours of practically non-stop streaming. Complete and utter value, if you ask me.

This arrangement is timed perfectly with who has to prepare/order lunch or dinner, adapted of course for the days we have streams on LRR - although cooking will always be a challenge, no matter who's doing it. It's the chore that both of us hate with a passion, which is why we often end up ordering takeout - or pizza if we're tired. Or, since oyako-don - really hope I'm spelling this correctly - is the only thing Ben really knows how to cook, besides of course, pre-made meals. 

But one adaption that we've had to make it set up separate rooms for streaming and editing so that while one of us doing the former, the other can do the latter, which had led to the complete clearing out of Ben's old room to form what we deem the 'editing office.' - That's where we've ended up moving all of Ben's comics to, for random browsing when we get bored. Of course, this meant fitting both our beds into one room, which can on occasion can be kind of cramped, but neither of us really mind. It does make for extremely inconvenient napping, however. And all the plushies just sitting on his bed is quite unnerving.

But even with me over here trying to establish some regularity into our lives, there's still some moments that even I cannot explain. One weekend, we decided to go out for brunch on a Sunday morning, because why not? And before you judge me and yammer on about how brunch is only for old married couples, I must remind you that brunch is the only socially acceptable place to drink in the morning, and that pancakes and waffles are to die for. Die for. Especially good ones. Wait...You're a stack of paper. What do you care? 

At some point during this brunch, while I was in the middle of tucking into my stack of pancakes, Ben silently walks over, pulls me and my chair back, brings his plate over, sits on my lap, and continues eating as if absolutely nothing weird has happened. In this position, of course, it is quite a struggle to eat, so I somehow had to lean over the side of him to do so. In all honesty, I didn't mind much, although we did get some weird looks for neighbouring patrons, as was expected. 

What I am though is very happy with my decision to move in with Ben. Since the fall-out with my last roommate, as I have mentioned numerous times, I was a little wary coming in. But despite the frequent, spontaneous, unexpected things coming from him, it has been overwhelmingly positive. He just has this incredible amazing energy that is just incredibly contagious: I think my face has been stretched out from all the smiling I've done; it's just something that I'm not used to. But I just can't help myself: I'm currently at one of the best points in my life. 

From the constant greetings to the flow of random gifts he gets me - just last week, he somehow managed to find a WWE teddy bear, which I was incredibly amazed at - or the simply chilling out playing games and drinking beer, it's gotten to the point that it's hard to imagine a time before Ben was my roommate, and for that I am incredibly grateful. One things that I hadn't expected, however, was

...

"Hey, what's this? Looks cool, man. Is this some " Ben leaned over and snatched the diary out of Adam's hand, his face in shock as he realised he was grasping at air.

"Hey, please don't..." Adam faltered as Ben quickly riffled through the pages.

"Looks cool. Can't be bothered to read any of it, even if there are infinitely juicy secrets hiding out in there. Diaries aren't really my kind of thing: I really need to express my thoughts to other people, otherwise they don't really properly resonate for me. Here you go," Ben handed Adam back his tiny notebook, to which he immediately shoved into a drawer. "Also, if you're that scared of me reading that for whatever reason, you should probably move it to somewhere...more covert."

As Adam scanned the room for hidden nooks to hide it in, Ben interrupted, "Look, you can do that later. Hurry up and get ready."

"For what?"

"For the talk therapy session I told you about, remember? We've got to hurry up and get a move on: it's 20 minutes before it starts."

"Don't you think it would be awkward? I mean, I don't even know any of them, and I would be completely violating the privacy of the entire procedure."

"Dude, we've already talked about this: everyone is okay with it, and I really want the person who encouraged me to take steps to stop my addiction to see how far I have progressed."

"Fine. I'll just listen though. I don't want to interrupt your process."

...

"So today we have a special guest joining us today," the facilitator gestured to Adam, who gave a small wave to the circle of people, his head titled slightly towards the ground. "This is Adam, who is a friend of Ben's and is here to support him today." Adam nodded in assent. "So would anyone like to share first?"

A tall, blond man to Adam's right raised his hand, "Hi, my name is Gerard, and I'm an addict." "Hi Gerard." "So today, I went to my daughter's first soccer game. She started three months ago, and she was absolutely amazing, running around, yelling at her teammates: she scored three goals. And I," he paused, "I want her to keep having fun. I want her to be happy, and healthy, and be able to chase those bright dreams that she has. I can't afford to smoke again, I don't want anything to happen to her..." his eyes began to water a little, causing his neighbour to gently pat him on his back, "th-that's all. Thank you."

"That you very much Gerard for your share. Is anyone else interested in sharing?"

Even to his own surprise, Adam's hand shot up, to which the facilitator gestured to him to speak. "Hi, my name is Adam, and even though I've never been an addict, I have suffered through depression before. And most of you have been in recovery for a couple of months...?" Seeing a show of nods, he continued, "I've been in recovery for over 10 years. For those who have never been through what we have, they think that it's easy, they think that any mental struggles that we may face pales in comparison to a physical one. Well, they are wrong."

His voice grew more punctuated, more emphasised as he continued, "It's as difficult, if not harder: you can just stick a leg into a cast and be done, but with our minds, it takes much longer, and it takes so much time. And even when you've put in so much hard work to try and get better, you just don't see the change, and every time you wish you could just crawl back to where you were, because it's just so much easier to give in. Which is why we have to fight every day to maintain our recovery, because even the tiniest event could send us spiralling back."

"And I know that it sucks. I do. And we wish that there could be some easy solution, some cure-all fix that works for all of us. I was so incredibly lucky to have people all around me that could support me through the healing process, friends, family, co-workers. I don't know anybody here besides Ben, really, but I do know that not everyone is as lucky to have people that they can fall back on. So I pledge to be that person for you, and I promise to support all of you every step of the way."

Adam looked around to see every pair of eyes in the room fixated on every word he just said, "Um...that's all. Thank you very much for listening. Now here's my number if you ever need to call me or message me about anything..."

...

"Wow, I did not expect you to have such a heartfelt confession. At my therapy session too." Ben dipped a bundle of fries in ketchup before putting them all in his mouth. "Thas thaws saw sweilly shig shoo," he attempted to say, his mouth packed full of fries.

"Come again?"

He took a swig of beer before taking a deeply exaggerated swallow. "What I meant to say was that it was a very big move. And I know you don't have a tendency to just randomly make acquaintances with complete strangers, so what I'm meant to say is...I'm proud of you."

"Me neither. I've never been to group therapy before, mainly because sharing my deepest and darkest experiences with complete strangers was never really my thing, but it felt good." Adam swirled his straw inside his glass of ice tea, hearing the clink of ice cubes against glass. "I do meant what I said though: as a sufferer of mental health problems, I feel as if it is my duty to help others recover just the same."

Ben smiled back at him, "You already have. I've felt a lot better since I've stopped. My speed on the treadmill has jumped like, 5 kilometres per hour. And I'm getting much less often nowadays. Plus," Ben moved to dip in another bundle of fries, "I no longer need to eat gum whenever Amanda and I smooch, which is huge relief."

"I'm glad that I've been of help.Which reminds me, after we're done here, I've got to show you someplace."

"Got it. That might take a while though: for some reason, I'm always starving after these meetings. Have no clue. Hey waiter," Ben raised his hand and called, "Two more plates of these fries, please."

...

"Wow, I've been here before in the day, but this is absolutely gorgeous at night." Ben glanced in awe at the surface of the lake, the gentle ripples distorting the pale reflection of the moon, and the shadow of the nearby trees cast across it.

"I know right? Relaxing, peaceful, just the spot for quiet contemplation." Adam plopped right down on the ground, and patted the spot next to him. "C'mon, sit."

Ben followed suit. "So why did you bring me here?"

"This is my special place. And during the day there's families with loud children, and it's just absolutely chaotic. But at night? When I'm feeling a little lost and am not quite sure who to talk to, I come here, and simply to talk to myself. Although," he cocked his head sideways in thought, "I guess I could come here to talk to you now too. I guess I'm not afraid to share more about myself, because even though you sometimes drive me absolutely up the wall in vexation, I trust you now. I really do."

Ben pulled Adam over for a hug, "Thanks for telling me about this. And for what it's worth: I know, and so do I. I trust that you will take care of me when I'm sick, that you'll raise me up when I fall, and just be this all round great friend. I'm just so glad that we've reached this point in our relationship."

"And for the record, I don't really have anything to hide in my diary - I don't really mind if you did read it. All you'd find are boring accounts of my daily events. Going to the gym, attending GPs...and nothing much more interesting."

"Well, I don't know...I'm sure there are numerous saucy sexual fantasies about the women you've seen in there...I don't think I'll be able to read them all without cringing at least 10 times."

Adam punched Ben's arm, although his grin betrayed his true intent. "Dude, that's not cool!"

"Fine, fine. But still, you don't have to hide everything from me. I promise never to judge you."

"I know." And they both just sat there for a moment, eyes fixed on the horizon beyond as the stars shifted across the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: Decided to try something with this extract where I'm including dialogue from one of the events in Adam's diary extract just so it is (hopefully) slightly easier to envision - tried it once using pure description, but just seemed a little clunky. Hopefully this works! Cheers.]


	7. Chapter 7

This is it: I have officially gotten one year older. It's strange: I am now late into my thirties, yet I don't feel particularly old - I still stay way up past my bedtime and eat too much candy, but I guess that's to be expected. Age is all in the mind...right? Right.

Last year my birthday unfortunately (well, with various definitions of unfortunate) fell on a day when I was streaming, which means I had to deal with a very off-tune rendition of 'Happy Birthday' from the entire LRR crew, plus some more friends, with about a thousand people watching it live. In the morning - my coffee had barely woken me up yet. I feel sorry for both their eardrums, and my own. There wasn't much of a party though: everyone was pretty much exhausted from the day of work - it ended at approximately 7 - so we essentially just had cake and left. At least we had cake though, and it was pretty good - I had three slices.

This year however, during my birthday, I was met with a different type of surprise...

Adam woke up to realise that he had thrown off his blanket for the third night in a row, his body sprawled across the bed and his face mushed into his pillow. He quickly grabbed it before flinging it back on over him, and falling back onto the bed.

"Hey Adam, you awake?" Ben tentatively pushed open the door.

Cocking his head to the side, Adam only now realised that Ben wasn't in the adjacent bed. What's more, the bed sheets were actually folded for a change. "What...how...?"

"Excellent." Ben briefly popped back out from the doorway, before re-emerging holding a plate of pancakes in one hand, and a fork and knife wrapped in a napkin in the other, gingerly inching his way through the minefield of the bedroom floor.

"What...on...earth...?" Adam's face was still a little frozen in shock.

"It's your birthday, you doofus. So I made you pancakes. With lots of extra whipped cream and chocolate sauce to perhaps disguise the fact that I may or may not have accidentally burnt some. Well, parts of some."

Stepping out of his stupor, Adam then responded, "You can barely stir-fry vegetables! How on earth did you develop the pan-dexterity to flip pancakes?" He then glanced over at the alarm clock, "Also, it's nine o'clock in the morning! You never wake up before 10 - ever."

Ben's face puffed red in indignation, "Firstly, you could have at least said thank you. It took a lot of effort for me to even get this mediocre. And secondly, I've been practicing while you were out at rugby practice, or lunch, or whenever I could really."

"For how long? I'm out of the house maximum twice a week, for a couple of hours at most. And where are all the burnt pancakes I've never seen?" Adam let a sly smile creep across his face.

"For about two months." Seeing Adam's agape expression, Ben sighed, "Look. I just wanted to do something special for your birthday. So fault me for trying to do so."

Hesitantly, Adam cut out a slice momentarily before devouring it, and going in for another. "Wow this is actually surprisingly good: I questioned it at first, but I am delighted to be proven wrong. Thanks for the super cool surprise."

Ben smiled, "No problem. Anything for my best friend."

But then, I realised that I've begun to feel something...decidedly different from Ben. We are close, of course, as any two roommates should be, but there are so many things I have already done that I would have never done with James. I would have never gone to a meeting with him, I would have brought him to my 'alone' place. And he, he would not have brought me breakfast in bed, not detour for half an hour just to bring me a single flower.

And it's not just living under the same roof: we practically have the same job, and I spend so much time with him that there'd just be the empty void if he were gone. I feel like he's now my best friend, that I could spend every day for the rest of my life just being with that personality, that smile and that laughter without ever getting bored.

I've never had such strong feelings for a guy before...I'm just not quite sure how to explain it. I can't tell if it's just incredibly intense friendship, or maybe something more. Even though I have only dated women, I just have never thought about never getting together with a guy before, and it's not like of my female dates have gone particularly well.

And even if I decided that I did somehow that I did have vaguely romantic feelings for Ben, I wouldn't be able to act on them: he's already got a girlfriend with whom he is clearly in love with; there is no chance in the realm of possibility that we would ever be a thing. And yet, even as reason tells me I should stop pursuing this, there's still something at the back of my mind, nagging me to go on.

I often criticise you, diary, for being completely useless to talk to - after all, it's not as if you could help in any way, but for once I'm glad that you can't judge me for anything, that you can't say what I feel is morally wrong. It feels bizarre, trying to establish a logical line of thinking through what is clearly an emotional issue, but it's everything I can do to stop myself from devolving into just a massive puddle of thoughts.

I think the best line here is for me to just talk to him, like any normal person: I know he's heading to some cafe nearby to meet up with a friend - don't remember who - and I'll just catch him on the way back. Just a casual conversation between two roommates on a regular afternoon. I'll just let him know how I feel, and we can work out what to do from there.

Adam snapped his diary shut, and slid it into its new hiding place, nestled between two comics on the top shelf: he doubted Ben could reach up there. Taking his hoodie off the chair, he slung it over his shoulder before wordlessly closing the door.

...

"Hey watch where you're going, you idiot!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I..." Adam turned back to respond to the passerby he just bumped into to, but they had already stomped away. Sighing, he returned to his slow trudge forward, once again lost in his own thoughts. How would Ben react? To him, this would be coming completely out of left field; he had no clue exactly what would happen, whether he would explode into a virtual supernova in the middle of the street.

He then saw the familiar plaid and ginger hair pop in from around the corner, to which he waved towards. "Hey Ben!"

"Hey Adam, didn't think that I'd be seeing you here."

"Hey Adam." It was that point Adam noticed Amanda standing next to Ben, holding his hand, and immediately his heart started beating just a little faster in panic.

"Hey, that reminds me: we have something very important to tell you." Ben turned around to face her, "Do you want to tell him?"

"I think you should: you are his roommate after all."

"Okay...", Ben took in a huge gulp of breath before announcing, "Amanda is moving in with us!", finishing the statement with a wide expression on his face and jazz hands, staring expectantly at Adam for his reaction.

"I mean, we'll probably end up moving some stuff around, but at least I'll help you move this time." Ben slyly winked at Adam. "And of course, the rooming situation would change, but we can always iron out the logistics as we make the transition."

Adam's mouth opened in a slight 'o' before snapping it shut. His voice dipped slightly before he forced it back in strained excitement, "That's great. I'm so happy for you guys to take such a big step so quickly: you guys must be really sure about this," he said, the corners of his mouth propped up in an exaggerated smile.

Amanda gushed as she lay her head against Ben's shoulder, "Yes, I can barely believe it myself; I think he might really be the one. I can't wait to spend even more time with my honey bear," her wide smile matched only by Ben's own.

"And I with you, my dearest cream puff." Not noticing Adam's exasperated eye roll, the couple stared into each other's eyes for a minute, Amanda's arms still wrapped around Ben's, completely oblivious to the nearby passerby before realising Adam was still standing there, tapping his shoe while silently waiting.

"Oh I am so sorry Adam: is there something you wanted to tell me? I guess that's why you came out to find me, right?" Ben turned, his face still beaming in blissfulness.

"Yeah .... that ..." Adam fumbled for a moment, before sputtering, there is a 2 for 1 deal on that chocolate ice-cream you like at the supermarket near our apartment. I just went ahead and bought some. Just thought you should know since they're going to expire soon, and that

"Aww sweet!" Ben's smile widened even further. This day just keeps getting better. I'm going with Amanda to the locksmith to make get some keys made for her; met you back home?"

"Sure..." Adam's voice trailed off towards the end, slightly deflated as he began to walk towards the zebra crossing, thoughts darting through his head. "Ben likes girls. He always has, and he always will," he mumbled to himself. "He's a great guy to be with and clearly I'm not the only to notice that."

"I don't know what this will do, but I don't want to lose the closeness we have forged. Everything will change once his girlfriend comes to live here. He won't be able to spend time with me anymore. And as stupid and and as pointless and and as illogical as it is, I don't know how to shake the feelings I have for him..."

"Adam! Watch out!" Ben's shout pierced his clouded thoughts a split second before he felt a rough shove that sent him tumbling forward to the rough gravel of the road, his arms and knees scraping against the rocks. "What the..." Adam cocked his head around to see what just happened.

Time seemed to pass slowly frame by frame for Adam. Ben, still hovering in mid-air, his arms outstretched and his palms flat, his mouth opened wide in a shout, his legs bent as he had propelled off the floor. The truck driver, his face contorted in effort and horror as he slammed his foot down on the brakes, a harsh straining sound as he attempted to stop.

And then the collision. The ringing sound of metal slamming against flesh. The one that sent Ben rolling through the air as if suspended in water, that sent him grinding to a stop a few metres away from Adam, leaving a faint trail of red in his wake. And then the chaos of Amanda, the truck driver, the passerby, all shouting and screaming in an unholy cacophony all around him.

The ambulance, signalling its announcement with its wailing sirens, that arrived with its squad of paramedics, swiftly carting Ben away on a gurney and covering him with an oxygen mask. And Amanda in a frenzied panic, pleading to go to the hospital with him, clawing at him, pleading to join him.

And all this time Adam was frozen in position, stuck on the floor, the fear gripping his every muscle, watching helplessly as the events simply unfurled before him. In that moment, he didn't have a thought or emotion to what had just happened. All that was left was a vast space, emptied out by the shock of what happened.

...

Adam had escaped that accident fairly unscathed. Ben, on the other hand, as the doctors told Adam later, had left with several fractured and broken bones, and was lucky that none had splintered, and even more fortunate that there was minimal internal bleeding. If the truck had just been a couple of inches further up, the possible trauma to Ben's head might have been irreparable.

"You can come see him now if you want. Visiting hours do close in 5 minutes though, so please don't take too long."

"I won't." Adam slowly creaked open the door to see Ben who lay unmoving, eyes closed, and the corners of his lips slightly turned up in a serene smile. The Doctors had said not to disturb Ben in any way: his condition was still quite fragile, and the sedatives he was under kept him stable while the treatments did their work. Amanda had already fallen asleep on a nearby table, her head laid on top of her crossed arms, probably exhausted from the shock of it all.

Adam walked over to Ben's bedside where the only sound was the cyclical beeping of the monitor, signalling reassurance that Ben was going to be fine for at least one more second. He gingerly navigated Ben's right arm through the elaborate tangle of wires, and clutching his hand, squatted down next to Ben's bed so that his head was level to Ben's.

He whispered in a calm, level pace, his echoing tone reflecting the hollowness that he felt inside. "Ben, I'm not sure what to say. I'm so sorry, that you had to step in to save me at the risk of your own life. You shouldn't have done that: it should be me here right now instead of you. Please get better soon. Please wake up." Adam stood up and bent over, and closing his eyes, gave Ben a silent kiss on the forehead. "I can't imagine my life without you." And with that, he left the room and closed the door with a single click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: Betcha didn't see that one coming. And neither did Adam. But Ben certainly did. And one of the characters mildly admits their feelings only 7 chapters in. Progress. This will be the last chapter involving Adam's diary, however - more than halfway!]


	8. Chapter 8

Adam woke up, upright, surrounded by walls on both his left and right, a dark mist creeping up off the floor. “What the heck…” He craned his neck to the side to see what could be in front of him, but the lack of light kept shielded what was hidden there, him shivering despite the warmth. 

“Adam!” 

He immediately swivelled around to see Amanda, her hair thrown around in a tousled mess and pointing her right arm directly at him, a steely gaze in her eyes. “Amanda! What are you doing here…and why are you…” 

“It was you. You took Ben away from me. How could rip away from me the one I loved, you monster?” The pleading look of sorrow was soon replaced by one of pure, seething anger blazing in her eyes. “How dare you show your face here? You better run, Savidan. Run.”

Without another word, Adam took off, his sneakers scuffing the ground as he sprinted full-speed into the darkness, his legs vaulting off the ground in a manic effort to get away from the guilt eating him on the inside. “Why?” Amanda’s shouts ricocheted off the walls behind him, chasing Adam as he dashed away. It wasn’t his fault…there was nothing he could have done…

Eventually he slide to a stop at a T-junction, his hands on his knees as he panted with exhaustion from the sudden outburst. The echoes had stopped, at least…so he guess he had managed to lose her. After taking a moment to catch his breath, he surveyed his surroundings, trying to see if there was any difference between the smooth grey coldness of the walls, when he saw a silhouette emerge from the darkness. 

“Oh Serge, thank God, I have no idea where I am. Do you think you could help me…” 

“You.” Serge’s usual bright demeanour was replaced by a cold, unfeeling hardness. “He was my best friend. Who gave you the right to take him away from me, from us? He trusted you, and you back-stabbed him without a second thought.” 

A look of terror immediately crossed Adam’s face. “No…that’s not what I did..please Serge, you’ve got to understand, that’s not what I did at all, come on man.” Unfazed, Serge immediately began menacing towards Adam, his right hand clenched into a fist. 

And Adam did what any rational person would do: he brought his head down and began running yet again, his feet pounding against the stone with every heavy step. On occasion, the walls would suddenly take a sharp turn, following suit after grinding to a halt to avoid crashing in to them. After a while, he lost track of which direction he was going or how many intersections he had already passed, he just wanted to get away. Get away from everyone, and everything. 

He burst out of the maze into the clearing, slowing down as he saw a fallen figure shrouded by the mist on the ground. “What on earth…” he muttered to himself as he slowly approached it, waving away the mists to try and getting a better view. And stopped. 

It was Ben, laying on the ground, a trail of blood dripping out of his mouth and slowly pooling in front of his face, his eyes glassed over and…gone. 

“No…this can’t be happening again….” Adam backed away, stumbling into someone else’s foot, who roughly shoved him onto the floor. 

Amanda stood in front of the crowd, arms on her sides, with her inner arms flipped forward and her hands in fists. Behind her stood an array of people that Adam could only vaguely made out: Serge, James, Cameron, all with the same devoid expression on their face. They began to slowly approach him, inching forward as he tried to shuffle backwards on his hands. 

“This isn’t real, this isn’t real…” Adam shook his head in fright as he muttered in fright, slowly backing into Ben’s lifeless corpse. And let out a piercing scream. 

Adam woke up with a start.   
…

It’s been like that every night for the past week, Adam waking from his nightmare at 3 or 4 am in the morning, drenching his T-shirt and clutching his sheets against his chest. And even when he tried to lie back down, he would just stare up the blank ceiling, and never fall back to sleep. Which is why there were pronounced dark circles under his eyes as he went into the therapist’s office for the second time in a week. 

“Wow, it looks as if you really need to get some sleep.” His therapist noted as he walked in. “Rough couple of nights?” 

Adam subconsciously scratched the back of his neck. “Yeah. I haven’t really slept well since the night of the accident.” 

“Right, so that’s what we’re here to talk about: the accident. Often, people have insomnia because they keep re-living the traumatic event, or because they feel particularly guilty about the whole thing.” 

“I guess? I mean, I keep seeing the image of my friend dying on the floor in my nightmares - and I keep having the same ones. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean.” 

“It sounds as if you’re having trouble moving on from the incident. It’s definitely not PTSD or anything like that, but you definitely seem to be having some kind of traumatic stress to the incident.” The therapist leaned in a little closer, “Honestly, my best recommendation is to just move on.” 

Seeing Adam’s expression, she then elaborated, “Look. When people try and recover from such an incident, they try and remove any reminders of that incident, or that could potentially trigger them. Of course, your situation is rather unique in the fact that you live with this person, and having largely overlapping friendship groups, so it might be difficult. But I would do my best to get my mind off the incident all together, and hopefully can help lessen the flashbacks.” 

Adam chuckled, “So just take a long vacation?”

“Exactly! Bring yourself to some place and just relax, and try to forget about what’s just happened. The more you think about it, the worse it’s going to be.” 

…

And the worse it was. 

He took a weekend trip over to Vancouver. And it was nice: to meet fans, rekindle friendships, visit breweries, just the best way to kick back, relax, and forget about all your worries. He was surrounded by so much positive energy that it was nigh impossible to think about any thing sad. And so any thoughts of Ben were shoved in the back drawer. 

But the moment he got back, it all came rushing back out as if it had never left. Adam spent almost every hour of every day cooped up inside the house, surrounded by constant reminders: Ben’s plaid mug in the cabinet, the framed photo of him and Amanda by the monitor, his stuff toys sitting motionless on his bed…he was just everywhere. And overtime he was reminded of him lying on the hospital bed, eyes closed like they might never open again. 

And gradually, the slow, gnawing pain just ate away at him, until there was nothing left but a hollow emptiness inside. And he wasn’t sure what to do at all. In the evenings after streaming, he would just order in takeout and sit at his desk, mindlessly watching whatever was trending on Youtube while his thoughts were far away and blank. It simply wasn’t worth it to try and be happy anymore. 

He tried to put on a happy, cheery demeanour for the streams, but it soon strained him to even force his face into a smile, his muscles evidently stretched. And his laughter became less dramatic, less frequent, to the point where chat was asking him if he was okay. And of course he said he was, because who would admit their problems to a bunch of strangers on the internet? So gone were the cringeworthy puns and jokes, the twirls around his chair whenever he accomplished something in-game, and in his place was the serious laser-focused gamer who was intent on winning and barely interacted with chat, just so he could lose himself in the game. 

He stopped going to practice, couldn’t be bothered to go grocery shopping, was too tired to do laundry: all he felt like doing was lounging about wherever he could, a white emptiness filling his thoughts so that there wouldn’t be space for anything else. And it felt good, because for a moment he wouldn’t be reminded of the racking guilt that he felt. 

…

“Adam! I know that you’re in there! Open up: it’s James.” Adam sat upright upon hearing the sharp rapping on the door, knocking over the bowl of chips on his chest. He must have fallen asleep on the couch last night, probably while watching yet another mind-numbingly generic film…

Standing up, he tried to brush the chip crumbs off his clothes while groggily rubbing his eyes in an effort to make himself presentable. “Coming…just give me a moment…” Adam murmured as he stumbled towards the doorway, fiddling with the doorknob for several moments before finally managing to get it open. “What do you want?”, Adam asked, leaning against the doorframe. 

“Man, did you just wake up? It’s already past noon, you know.” 

“Is it?” Adam shook his head back and forth in an effort to try and appear more alert. “Doesn’t matter. What do you need?”

“Your therapist called me after you missed your scheduled session twice now, was scared that something had happened to you. And since I’m your contact, I’m here to drag you to a session. I don’t know if you just somehow forgot, but you know you can’t miss these.” 

“Don’t want to.” Adam mumbled under his breath. 

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t want to.” Adam repeated, ever so slightly louder this time.

“Look Adam, I don’t want to be Captain Obvious, but you don’t really have much of a choice here.” James tilted his head to take a quick peek inside the apartment, and immediately recoiled in disgust. “And by the looks of the apartment, you most certainly need help. So let’s go, okay? Please don’t make this anymore difficult than it has to be.” 

“I don’t need help. I’m doing just fine, so if you would please just go away: I have a stream I need to set up, and I’m already late as it is,” Adam snapped in annoyance, his grogginess replaced with a smouldering fury.

“Adam, if you’re not comfortable talking about this with a therapist, you know you can always talk to me about it, right? We’ve been friends for years now: there’s nothing you can’t tell me, okay?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about. So just go on with whatever you were planning to do before you came here.” Adam began to close the door before James flung it back open. 

“No. Stop behaving like a child, get yourself decent, and go to your session. I will not stand you acting like this. You are clearly going through something, and it’s not something that you can handle by yourself.” 

“There is absolutely nothing wrong. Besides, since when do you care? It’s not your problem, isn’t it? So just let me be, and go away.” Adam punctuated those last two words before slamming the door and immediately locking it. 

“Adam Savidan, open this door right now! We are going to have this conversation like responsible adults, and you will talk about this like the normal people we are!” In an attempt to drown out the noise from the doorway, Adam simply put on the headphones in an attempt to muffle the sound, and after a while, he could hear James’ loud footsteps stomping away. Without even looking at it, he could feel the bombardment of messages flooding into his phone as it gently rumbled through the table, but he couldn’t be bothered to check. 

…

Adam woke up to look at his alarm. 11 o’clock. In the morning. It was too early. He knew he should have already started streaming, but he’s just too exhausted to care. He slapped his palm across it, knocking it to the floor before flipping back over, burying his face into his pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: For the record, if you ever go through a traumatic event or have negative thoughts or believe yourself to be suffering from mental health issues of ANY KIND, PLEASE SEEK HELP. Don't be like this fictional Adam because it's STUPID to be stubborn. Hopefully everything turns out okay... O.o]


	9. Chapter 9

Ben slowly eased his eyes open, the searing bright white light flooding in as he did so, momentarily blinding him flashes rang through his vision. As he began to take in everything around him, an unfamiliar echo reverberating through his mind, a faint thudding on the back of his head - present but not painful. And slowly as he strained himself to keep his eyes open, the shapes and sounds began to coalesce, outlining into existence: the whitewashed walls, the single ceiling light, and the eerie silence. He felt a dull ache permeate through his body, a lingering stiffness across his bones as he openly wondered, "Where am I…?”, his face contorting in a slight grimace as he tried to recall what had happened. 

And the brief bursts of what had happened just came reeling back, single frames capturing those crucial moments in time. Adam walking across that red light. Himself leaping forward to push him away. The grinding screech of the tires. The screams of someone behind him. The ground a hair’s width from his face. Bolting up in sudden realisation at how he got here, Ben yelled out, “How is Adam? Is Adam okay?”, before immediately slinking back under the thin blanket, wincing at the pain. “Man, what the heck? I did not expect it to hurt that much. Geez these accidents are a pain…”

The figure on the side stirred. “Ben…? Ben, you're up!” Turning to his side, he could see Amanda rushing over just before she plunged down and tightly wrapped both her arms around his sides. “God Ben I was so worried that I had lost you. The doctors said that you would be fine, that there had been no mental damage, but you wouldn’t wake up and I know that they had given you drugs but there was no way of telling how you were and…” She hastily pressed a kiss to his lips before resting her head in his chest. “I just couldn't stand the idea of losing you.”

“Me too, love.” Taking his right hand, he carefully placed it behind her back, and taking his left he gently stroked Amanda's head as she lay there, quietly tearing in his embrace. “But I couldn't go. I had to stay here - for you. Don't worry; you won't be getting rid of me that easily,” he said half-jokingly, a faint smile across his face. He paused for a moment and closed his eyes, just revelling in the fact that he was still alive. “So I guess we better put moving in together on hold for just a little while?” 

Amanda gently nudged him in the arm, “Yep. But soon as you get better, you bet that I’ll be waiting at your doorstep with a stack of boxes, ready to unpack.” 

“I hope you didn't have to wait here that long while I was out.” 

Getting up, Amanda quickly brushed away her hair before faintly returning his smile. “No, it wasn't that long; you were only unconscious for a couple of hours after surgery. But I just had to be here when you woke up, just for my own peace of mind.”

“And did the doctors tell you why I might be hurting all over?”

“When you got hit by that truck, you fractured a number of ribs and your right leg as the car knocked into you and as you hit the ground; you’re lucky it wasn’t much worse: they said that if the truck had been a little bit faster, or if you hadn’t propelled yourself as far forward…” her voice dropped down. “I don’t want to think about what might have happened.” 

“Wait my…” Ben then noticed at the end, a foot thoroughly wrapped in layers of bandages and plaster, propped up on top of a pillow. “Oh,” he simply noted, a sinking sense of helplessness beginning to settle in, the realisation that even after he’s allowed to get out of bed, that he wouldn’t have the ability to get anywhere at all.

Noticing Ben’s staring at his own wrapped-up foot, Amanda added on, “The doctors said that your leg should take about eight weeks to heal, give or take. And in between your stay in here and it fully healing, they’ll issue you a pair of crutches to help you get about, so you can go back home.” 

“Oh.” Ben simply replied, an empty afterthought. Well, this was going to be an issue. 

Suddenly a thought popped into Ben’s mind, “Hey, do you know what happened to Adam? I don't really remember anything after getting hit.”

“I think it's fine. You managed to shove him far enough that out of the way; I think he was mostly just reeling in shock at the whole incident. I haven't seen him around though; do you want me to go find out?” 

Ben shook his head, “It's fine. I'm sure he's doing okay.” 

“I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I’m going home right now to get changed out of this.” Amanda gave a sheepdog ah grin. “I’ll remember to bring you some ice-cream, alright? And your laptop?” 

Ben suddenly perked up before responding with a coy smile, “Oh, you better. Hospital food is awful. Hospital entertainment is worse.” 

“I'll go get the nurses to tell them you're awake? Don't get into too much trouble while I’m gone.” The door clicked into place as Amanda closed it behind her, leaving Ben in the room all by himself. 

…

The worst part about being in the hospital for Ben was not the terrible junk that they tried to pass the food, or all the tests that the doctors and nurses had to methodically conduct, or the endless hours staring up at the ceiling counting sheep - which was luckily quickly alleviated with Amanda’s visit the subsequent day, armed with all manner of entertainment devices. 

No, it was the helplessness - the feeling of having absolutely no autonomy over his own actions. He loved nothing more the feeling of being independent and take care of oneself, the warm feeling that the wind lifting up his wings was no one else's but his own. He relished the ability to make his own decisions, chart his own course, and not have to depend on anyone else for his own success. And yeah he did occasionally for ask help, because that was just a sign of being human, not a sign of weakness - there are some situations which you just can’t fight through alone. But to have call for help every time he wanted some water, or needed to go to the bathroom, just felt exhausting and unnecessary. 

And just felt so foreign, to hand the reins of control to a complete stranger. At some point he had tried crawling to the bathroom by himself; bad idea. Even after he had unceremoniously fallen out of bed and inched his way across the floor, there was nothing rough for him to grip onto to pull himself up with in there, and he just sat on the cold floor, his legs sprawled across until a nurse found him after some time to support him up. A thoroughly embarrassing experience that he hoped wouldn’t have to be repeated, but which he had resigned to himself would inevitably occur. 

…

“Hey, hey,” Ben swivelled his head to the direction of the rapt knocks before seeing a familiar face poke in through the doorway. “Sorry that I couldn’t come in to visit earlier; work has been quite busy lately.”

“Come in man! Don’t worry about it, you’re still the first person to have come in to see me - well, besides, Amanda of course.”

“Of course.” Serge pulled up a chair next to Ben before placing the bag that he had been previously holding on the collapsible table and immediately began unpacking its contents. “So as part of the care package, here’s a thermos of one of my favourite decaf coffees - want to make sure that you can still go back to sleep, and here’s two hot dogs wrapped in tin foil - guaranteed that you haven’t had those in a while, and here’s the obligatory get-well-soon flowers, except baked into some cupcakes, because who doesn’t like cupcakes? Thought I would try something a little different.” Putting the bag away, Serge laughed at Ben’s wide-eyed expression, as he took in the numerous containers laid out before him. 

“Wow man, you didn’t have to do all that. How long did that take you?” 

Serge simply shrugged. “Eh. Didn’t take that long; besides, it was worth it to hopefully make you feel better. The real question is,” Serge lowered his gaze to meet Ben’s, “How are you doing?” 

“Could have been a lot worse. Still got my head screwed on straight, and my arms are still functional, so I can still game as much as I want - well, as much as the terrible hospital Wi-Fi will allow. It’s just…” Ben helplessly gestured towards his bandaged foot, “…that. It’s so difficult to not be able to move around at all, and I just feel so helpless whenever I have to ask anyone for help just to go pee. I know I should be thankful that it didn’t turn out even worse - the doctors said that I was lucky that I didn’t sustain more injuries - but in my present situation, it’s just tough not to feel terrible.” Ben slumped back into the pillow supporting his back. “I just wish that this didn’t have to happen.” 

Serge placed a gentle hand on Ben’s shoulder, “Look man, as someone who has broken his own leg before, it sucks. It really does. And having to stay here being chauffeured around by nurses, unable to do anything, probably sucks even more. But you’ve just got to remember that it heals eventually, and life will return to normal, well, as normal as it can be. And in the meantime, I can probably give you a lift to where you need to go,” prompting a quick chuckle from Ben. 

“Thanks man. I know you’ll always have my back when I need it.” Ben furrowed his brow as a though crossed his mind. “Hey, do you mind helping me over to the bathroom? I think I really need to go pee.”

Serge grinned in response as he moved the chair away and crouched down slightly so that his shoulders were level with Ben’s arm. “No problem.” 

…

And for the next few days, friends came trickling in with flowers and fruit baskets and condolence cards, all wishing him a speedy recovery. Even his parents came down from Edmonton for a couple of days to stay with hi, and just to make sure he was doing okay. And it was extremely comforting to know that he had a supportive network of friends or family that he could rely on, and that he could just chat to on a slow afternoon of recovery. 

With the doctors deeming him well enough to start it, interspersed with all the visits Ben began physiotherapy. Initially, it was extremely taxing, especially for someone who had been cooped up in bed for such a long time, and like any therapy of any kind, it was frustrating at first: walking unaided even with the support bars was incredibly strenuous, Ben’s face scrunched into a cluster of intensity every time he practiced. The progress itself was extremely slow: for the first few sessions, he felt as if he was making no progress, but whether it was Serge’s very expressive cheering from the sidelines, Amanda’s lovingly crafted homemade encouragement signs or his parents’ quiet clapping, he had never felt any more loved by the people surrounding him. And progress did come: as he approached the end of his hospital stay, he had become fairly adapt at using his crutches to move around. 

But Adam never came. He never responded to any of the messages Ben had sent him, didn’t reply to any of the e-mails that Ben had written, and refused to pick up any of the calls that Ben made. He just shrugged it off: Adam was likely in the middle of the stream, or just really busy, or perhaps saw them but forgot to reply…but there was this nagging feeling at the back of his mind that there may be something truly wrong. 

…

“I am finally getting out of here! Woo, back to normal people food like pizza!” Ben cheered from the side as Serge stuffed the remainder of his belongings into a duffel bag that he had brought along. 

“You still have to come back every week for your physiotherapy sessions, Mr. Ulmer,” a nurse chided as they walked past the room.  
“Yeah, yeah,” Ben rolled his eyes as the nurse disappeared down the corridor. “But after being cooped up in this place for two weeks, I can’t wait to go back and sleep in my own bed, surrounded by my wonderful plushies.” Ben’s manic grin stretched widely across his face. 

“Yeah, about that…Amanda apologises for not being able to pick you up herself - which is why she sent only the best”, Serge pointed at himself before continuing, “But you’ll actually be staying at her apartment for the next few days. There’s…a situation at your apartment.” 

“What happened?” Ben’s look of excitement was instantly replaced by one of deep concern. “Did some pipe bursts, or did mould suddenly grow?” He snapped his fingers in an epiphany. “I got it, there was a rat infestation, and we need to evacuate for a few days while they fumigate the place. Oh dear, I hope that Adam found a place to stay while the apartment is being cleared out…” 

“Actually, it’s Adam who’s causing a bit of a situation.” Seeing Ben’s confused expression, he elaborated, “Look, I didn’t want to say anything while you were still in here, but Adam’s going through an episode right now, and he’s completely blocked off all contact with anyone else. Plus, he’s not letting anyone else into the apartment, and trust me, we’ve tried. We just thought it’d be best if you didn’t have to deal with that right now.” 

Ben gave Serge a sharp look of indignation, “What? Are you kidding me? My best friend is not doing okay - no offence to you, Serge, but I do share an apartment with him - and there is no way I’m going to sit on the sidelines doing nothing. Come on Serge, let’s drive over there and find out what’s really happening.” He snatched his crutches which were lying next to the chair, and slowly attempted to raise himself up while steadying the crutches. “I admit, this looks a lot less bad-ass than I had intended.” 

Serge shook his head as he opened the door for Ben to exit. “Man, just as stubborn as he is. Eh, I’ll give you a lift.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A/N: Since for the entire stretch of this two weeks, Adam and Ben wouldn't actually be interacting with each other, this is a chapter from Ben's perspective, and how he fared following the accident. And we're almost at the ending! It's about to get rough...]


	10. Chapter 10

“I’ve already told you that I’m not coming out of here, so please could you just shut the…Oh.” Adam angrily flung open the front door, his rage quickly dropping off as he saw Ben standing out in the hallway, his eyes narrowed and a furious expression on his face. 

Adam, however, focused on the pair of crutches that Ben was propped up on, his eyes drawn to and zoomed in on Ben’s right foot, wrapped up in a cast hovering inches above the ground. And the guilt that he had tried to suppress had just come all flooding back with that sight. He felt his breath quicken, his throat closing as he tried to force out a response. 

“I…wasn’t expecting… you to be back so soon…” Adam mumbled to himself as Ben strode past him into the apartment. 

“I know.” Ben flipped the grip on his crutches to face Adam. “Because even though I’ve been trying to contact you for the past two weeks, you’ve stubbornly refused to respond to any of my messages, e-mails or phone calls. I was in the hospital for what felt like forever, and not even once could you be bothered to come over and even see how I was doing. No messages, no pictures, nothing.” Ben’s tone was fierce and harsh as he spat out those words, a tone that Adam had never heard before. 

“And I thought to myself, perhaps he's just really busy. But no, I heard to hear from Serge that you were busy wallowing in your own sadness instead of going to therapy, so as soon as I got out of here, I had to storm over and set things straight. We are going to get you out of this rut, and everything will be fine.”

“Well…that’s not true. I’ve been busy doing…work. Editing. And streaming. ” Adam mumbled under his breath as he tentatively nudged the door shut behind him, his hands shaking with guilt. “They just caught me…on a bad day.” 

Ben raised an eyebrow at Adam’s stained T-shirt and sweatpants. His eyebrows then rose even further as he surveyed the room, noticing the stack of takeout containers next to the trash can and the pile of dirty dishes gathering in the sink. “And I see you’re evidently doing very well.” Ben’s disdaining glare seemed to wither away at Adam, who hunched backwards into the wall. “Come, sit on the couch.”  
“You don’t need to tell me to sit on my own couch…” 

“Sit.” Ben commanded. 

Adam replied by plopping down, and shirked his arms against his side. “So…”, Adam nervously responded, trying to come up with something to ease the awkwardness, “What’s up? How was…the hospital?” 

“What do you think? It was a hospital where the cast was itchy but you couldn’t scratch it, where the food tastes like crap, and you spend hours on end stuck in therapy trying to gain back the function that you once had,” Ben spat out. “And to top that all of, one of my best friends has decided to isolate himself from the rest of the world, and I have no clue why. Everyone at LRR says that you’re basically half-dead when you still did go over to stream, and you’ve barely streamed on your own channel in recent days. And you know that if you’ve been feeling poorly, you’re meant to schedule some appointments with your therapist, but I’ve called them up and you haven’t been in for any additional sessions at all.”

“How do you even have the contact info of my…” Adam began to get out before Ben cuts him off. 

“Not important. What is important is you. One of the first things I asked when I awoke was to ask how you were, but nobody knew a thing. So please help me to understand.” Ben shuffled in closer, until he was only inches away from Adam, his voice softening and cracking. “I don’t know what’s happening here, but please just tell me how to fix this. Please tell me how to make it better for you. Please tell me how to make it all go away. I just want my old friend Adam back.” 

Adam began to stand up, “Nothing. I’m fine. You should go and get ready to sleep. It’s been a while since you’ve been home. I’ll…I’ll help you get out your stuff.” 

Ben responded by gently pushing him back down into the sofa, “No, no. We are not leaving here without an answer. You were in a car accident, Adam, it’s perfectly normal to be really affected by something like that. I know this may be hard for you, but have you thought about how hard it is for me, for one of my closest friends to active avoid me for so long?” 

Seeing Adam’s silence, Ben simply shook his head, “God Adam. Do you know how difficult it is to go from seeing someone everyday to not having any contact with them for two weeks? And it’s not as if I could do anything about it.” He looked Adam in the eyes, pleading with him. “I need to know.” 

Adam wrapped his arms around himself and twiddled his fingers, “I…I…You…You were only in this position because of me. You had lost two weeks of your life and probably disabled for two months more because of me. If I hadn’t been so much of an idiot as to walk right into ongoing traffic, if I hadn’t been in such a daze, you would never have gotten injured. If I hadn’t been such a completely useful piece of trash, I would never have endangered your life. I just…I couldn’t face you after what I had done.”

Ben took Adam’s hands in his own as Adam tried to avert his gaze, “Adam, Adam, look at me, Adam, stop looking away, Adam look at me. I’m going to tell you this once, and you’re going to listen, take it in, and just accept in: this is not your fault. Any feelings of guilt: gone. I knew the risks that moment I leapt forward, and I would do it again, and again every single time. I know that you would have done the exact same thing in my position, that you would do the same thing for any of your friends. Now c’mon, bro hug.” Ben opened up his arms and reached out towards Adam, who reluctantly let him himself be brought in. 

“Ah…I’ve missed you, you big teddy bear. Now come on, hug me back: I haven’t had one of your bear hugs for two weeks,” to which Adam complied. Ben tightened in for one more embrace before finally letting go, a huge grin across his face as he leaned back, sinking himself in the soft couch. 

And as Adam felt Ben’s strong hands crossed behind his own back, the re-assuring feeling that his best friend was present, the cloud of worry and guilt had dissipated. That Ben was going to be okay. 

“I still don’t understand how you could have forgiven me. You could have died - that’s definitely not something people just get over in two weeks.” Adam swallowed his breath, a somber expression on his face. “You shouldn’t be okay with this at all.” 

Ben shrugged, “Now that’s not true. Of course I forgive you. As I said, it’s not your fault. And we’re best friends, which means that even if we do occasionally have some struggle, we’ll always work it out in the end.” 

Adam squeezed his eyes as if in deep thought before opening them again. “I guess…thank you again for forgiving me. I promise that I will do everything you in my power to support you every step of the way. 

“Yes, I demand that you go to every single one of my physiotherapy sessions, and cheer me on from the sidelines, signs and pom-poms in hand,” the hilarity of the image easing a small smile out of Adam. 

“Right, of course.” A thought suddenly struck Adam, immediately causing his expression to be much more forlorn. “Of course…my own sessions. I better go to those too right?” Adam then proceeded to lean down, burying his face in his hands and lap. “God I’ve been such a jerk to everyone, trying to push them away when they were trying to help. What on earth was I thinking?” he said, muffled. 

“That’s because you weren’t, but now you are. You probably should go apologise to them, buy some candy or something, but that can wait,” Ben grinned. “For now, I just want to spend some quality time with my best bud, hang around, play some video games.” 

“Scooch over, man.” Adam proceeded to lift his head and respond to his request, before Ben then also did so, his shoulder now in contact with Adam’s own. Suddenly Adam became extremely aware of Ben’s proximity, his warmth gently radiating, and subtly shifted his own body a few centimetres away, but still unable to get the weight of Ben leaning against him off. “I just need to tell Amanda that everything’s resolved and that I’ll be staying here tonight.” 

“To be honest, I don’t even understand how that even happened - you’re the one always telling me to pay attention to the traffic light.” Ben talked to no one in particular as he took out his phone and began typing out some messages. “I still don’t get how you went from being so eager and chipper to so lost in your own head - you were really out of it. I mean, if I didn’t know any better, I thought that you had taken drugs or were drinking in the split second right after you turned away: why else would you have been so dazed?” Ben chuckled, at the absurdity of that idea, oblivious to Adam’s clenching of his fists or tightening of his neck. Ben can’t know…he can’t be allowed to find out…they’ve just gotten over one hurdle; he can’t send them hurtling down yet another one…

“I mean, it must have something massive that you had just remembered, right? You’re usually so happy, cheery, enthusiastic; nothing short of something life-jarring could have taken you out of that. What could you have possible been thinking that had you so shaken?” Ben looked up and raised his eyebrows, gesturing towards Adam to provide a response. 

“Um…it was nothing. I was just…tired.” 

Ben then proceeded to lean back in laughter, “Adam, you slept 12 hours the previous day. I really sincerely doubt that you were still tired after that. No, I’m sure that there must have been something more to it. What is it that you’re still not telling me?” Ben flung both his arms open as if about to go in for another hug. “We just had such a nice heart-to-heart about the entire accident thing; I don’t want there to be any more big secrets between us. Don’t worry: I promise that whatever you tell me, I won’t judge you for it.” Ben proceeded to wink with his left eye, a cheeky grin on his face. 

Without thinking, Adam then blurted out, “I like you, Ben,” in right before he mentally slapped himself in the face. What a stupid, stupid thing to say. 

Ben responded with a quizzical look on his face, “Well duh: Of course you like me. I’m your roommate and one of your best friends. Why else would you spend so much time so much time?” 

For a moment, Adam didn’t think he could repeat the accidental revelation again. But it was already out there, it’s never coming back; he might as well explain it all the way. Adam took a gulp, downing his fear, before taking in a deep breath. “Ben, I like you. Not just as a friend, but as a partner. I want to be with you when you go to sleep at night, be with you when you wake up in the morning. I want to cheer together as we play video games, hold your hand as we walk together down the street, and fall asleep together on the couch after a movie, your head on my shoulder. I wish to be there with you through all the tough times, the rough patches, and be your guiding light through all of that, to make sure that you never lose yourself. ” 

Sucking in a deep breath, Adam continued going, “You’re one of the most thoughtful, kind and amazing people I know, and I couldn’t stand the idea of having never not known you. And when I heard that you were going to move in with Amanda, I panicked. I was scared, Ben, scared of the possibility that you might drift away from me, that you might end up forgetting me altogether. The mere thought that I would lose touch with the one person I’d never want to lose touch with was too overwhelming, and it flooded my brain with panic and terror that I didn’t know I could even feel, that I didn’t know how to deal with. And I still am, absolutely positively terrified. I have feelings for you, Ben, that I can’t possibly describe in words, and I don’t know what to do with them. ”

“I…I…” His previous smile was replaced with one of surprise, Ben struggled to get any words out of his mouth, his hands dropping against his side and his jaw gaping wide open shock at Adam’s revelation. “Wha…I…” 

Seeing Ben’s expression, Adam abruptly stood up, nudging Ben to the side of the sofa, and began striding towards the door, his movements stiff like a robot and his face forced and frozen into a flat expression. “I…I should go.” Without glancing back, Adam jammed his feet into his sneakers, not even bothering to do up the laces, before flinging open the door and leaving it there as he bolted down the hallway. Open for everyone see to Ben using both hands to clutch his face in regret. 

Ben hates him, he hates him, he hates him…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that went well I guess? On one hand, they sort of resolved the issue of Adam's guilt revolving the accident, but on the other hand, we have managed to dreg up the issue from which the accident sparked? Eh, it's a mess. Such is life. 
> 
> And the next chapter's going to be the ending! :D Originally, this part and the next were all just one long section, bur it got too long; besides, now you guys get to deal with the suspense. :P


	11. Chapter 11

Adam sat by the lakeside, his arms tucked in front of his legs, as he stared across the blank slate of the lake, its still surface a dark reflection of his own expression. He replayed in his mind Ben’s expression, that jumble of fear, anger, shock, the last frame imprinted in his mind before he turned to run away. Adam couldn’t bear to hear the rants of disbelief, the furious accusations that were bound to follow. That was what he did with his problems: he simply ran away. Avoided them, wishing that they would just bury themselves in the ground. What’s done was done. Their friendship had completely devolved at this point - there was nothing left to fix it. So why wasn’t he back at the apartment, working out the logistics for him to move out, to attempt to salvage what was left of their broken friendship? 

For so long, he’s tried to convert any feelings of sadness, or loneliness, or just anything negative, into something positive. Or when it get too tough, to something not feel anything at all. That was all Adam could do to keep himself for spiraling. But there are times where everything is too much to hold back. He couldn’t keep up the unfeeling, stoic expression for any longer. 

And for the first time in a long while, the floodgates opened as Adam sobbed into into his knees, the raw emotion rushing through him like a tidal wave, and flowing out in a never-ending torrent, only the faint hum of cicadas left to accompany the tears that were pouring out of him. “You stupid, stupid…Why did you have to say that? You don’t deserve to be with anyone good, especially not someone as funny and as intelligent and as kind and as amazing as Ben.” He croaked out between chokes. “You’re going to die alone, with no one around you to love you. You don’t deserve to be happy.” He stuck out his hand to grab a nearby stone, flinging it into the lake where it connected with a forceful splash. 

“Yes you do.” Lifting up his head, Adam could see through his watery vision that Ben had appeared next to him, offering a tissue out off a box he brought along. Taking it with trembling hands, Adam honked into it. 

“And in case you’re wondering how I managed to find you, you said it yourself, Adam: you come here whenever you need to just think, and right now,we both have a lot to think about.” Slowly easing himself down onto the grass next to Adam, Ben them took out another tissue, and used it to wipe away the tears in Adam’s eyes. 

“And before you say or do anything, I would just like to say my piece: that I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted in that way, and I probably should have said something, anything; I was just too shocked, surprised to do so. But I shouldn’t have left you feeling alone or shunned in anyway - that was wrong on my part.”

“And for the record, I know that I make a variety of innuendos on stream and just in everyday life, but I never meant to lead you, or anybody else on. It was just a fun thing that I did to keep the viewers there, and I never meant for us to evolve into anything more than platonic friends. And I should have seen it coming - we do practically do everything together, and I'm always, well, thought I was, fake-flirting with you - but I was so blinded by my own belief that nothing would happen between us that I failed to see the very obvious signals that I was giving out. I am so, so sorry for making you feel the way that you do now. I could never hate you in any way, never ever.” 

Ben turned to face Adam, who was closing off his body, staring straight ahead at the lake, “It’s completely understandable if you don’t want to be friends anymore; I mean I’ve never stayed friends with an ex after we broke up - not that I’ve had much experience in that department. Look, I still think you’re a really cool guy who is kind and funny and awesome and all that, and I’d love to stay friends with you, but…” Ben averted his gaze to pick at some grass, “I would understand if you didn’t want to do so; after all, our relationship has significantly changed in the last hour.” 

“I will tell you, however, that if I did swing that way, I could totally see myself falling for you. Well, perhaps after Serge: I’ve got to keep the fan-service ship alive, after all.” Ben grinned as Adam cracked a small smile. 

“So…that’s my part. If you do want to talk about what you said, I’ll be here to listen; and if not, we can just sit here, look at the stars and relax.” Ben smiled as he fell back into the grass. “Huh. It’s a lot softer than I thought. Nice. Bit damp though.” 

They were both silent for a moment after that: Adam looking straight ahead, and Ben staring up at the sky, simply marvelling the view in front of them. And then Adam spoke.

“I guess it started that night at the bar?” Adam tentatively let out, his voice soft and choked, still not daring to look over at Ben. “I was at quite a low point, and you somehow managed to lift me up. Very few people can do that.” He let out a small groan as he briefly remember how hammered he had gotten that night. “And then somehow, despite not crossing paths that often at the Moonbase, we started spending time together. A lot of time. From Magic tournaments to gym workouts to chilling on the weekend, I would just see you again day after day after day. And I loved it: you’d be so happy and laugh all the time and act as if nothing could get you down…I guess I just started to be happy too being around you all the time.”

Adam coughed, trying to clear out his throat to speak more clearly, “And when I moved in with you, it made me realise how much I actually felt for you. I thought that it would just get awkward, that I would act like a complete fool around you - not saying that I don’t on a regular basis, just even more so than usual - but no, everything you did just made me feel even more comfortable. It just made me realise that you were even more amazing than I even thought.” Adam decided to glance over at Ben, who had tilted his head over, his eyes and ears perked up as he listened. 

“I don’t even know if there is anyone else left out for me in this cruel, brutal world - I was alone for so long that after a while it just felt normal.” A lapse in conversation ensued, neither quite sure what to say. 

Ben broke the tension by pointing out, “Look, I know it’s hard to admit to anyone how you truly feel about them - I mean, it was only easy with Amanda and I because we got together while speed dating; it usually never goes that well. And it’s even harder to accept when those feelings are not necessarily reciprocated. But one thing that I do know for certain is that you do deserve to be happy, and you will found somebody to be with. I’m a firm believer that out there, out in the vast expanse of the world, that we all have a soul-mate, someone who will love us for every part of who we are, flaws and imperfections and everything. And that same goes for you. You are an amazing person, and I’m sure that whoever you end up with would be very lucky to have you. I’m just sorry I can’t be that person for you.” 

Adam tugged a tuft of grass and pulled it out, letting the individual blades fall through his fingers. “It’s fine. It’s not your fault; there’s nothing to apologise for. I’m just not quite sure what to do now: I’ve spent so long pining for someone else, someone that I couldn’t have, and now I’m back to the beginning. It’s always going to be rough though.” 

“I just hope that even after all of this, we can still be friends.” 

Adam reached out to grab hold of Ben’s hand, “Me too. I still think you’re awesome - even if you did break my heart. God I must look absolutely awful right now: I can already feel how puffy my eyes are.” He let out a faint smile, “I must look like a mess right now.”

“No, you look great, Mister T-shirt and Sweatpants.” A grin formed on Ben’s face as he remembered something, “That reminds me: I still have to follow through on my promise from the bar, remember? I must renew my efforts to help you find someone. That’s not me,” Ben added. “Although now I know that I can set you up with both guys and girls, we have so many more options…” Ben’s eyebrows shot up, a mischievous look across his face. 

Adam subconsciously scratched the back of his neck, “Look, we’d have had the entire ‘coming out’ conversation long ago if I had known, but I didn’t. You’re the first, well, guy that I’ve ever had feelings for - I thought for the longest time that I was into women, but with you…I still need some time to work it all out,” he said, a sheepish look on his face. 

“Oh. Wow. I guess I feel honored? I’m not quite sure how I’m supposed to react to that either,” Ben noted, laughing at his own joke. “Probably should give you some time to figure all that out first. Look, I don’t have any experience in coming out, so to speak, but I imagine that you must have been so afraid, so nervous - that was incredibly brave of you, especially to…” 

Ben paused as he suddenly realised where he was headed before resuming, “Look, I know I didn’t give the most accepting response initially, but I promise that I will support you through every step of the way of finding out who you are, no matter what happens, because no one should have to go through this path of discovery alone.” He got up and scooted over behind Adam before looping his arms around him for a tight cuddle. “Oh, I apologize,” Ben said as he abruptly let go, “This is a little awkward for a purely platonic relationship, isn’t it?”

“No…it’s fine. That would actually be quite nice.” Ben then resumed his position, his head on Adam’s shoulder, and his arms crossed in front of Adam’s chest. 

Ben mused, “You know, I’ve always enjoyed the idea of having a gay best friend: I just never would have thought it would be you…Ow!” He recoiled a little as Adam slapped his hand away, and pursed his face together as an exaggerated pout. “Fine. I’ll stop making jokes. But in all seriousness, our friendship doesn’t have to change. Nothing has to. We should still just hang out, play games, watch movies, and do silly and stupid things together, just like old times.” 

“Thanks Ben,” Adam clutched Ben’s right arm and pulled him in even closer. “Thank you for being here for me.” 

Ben stared up towards the sky, and noticed that the clouds had slightly parted to reveal the pale silhouette of the moon nestled behind it. “I would never dare to leave you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHOO!! We got there! It was probably not the ending that most people were expecting, but hopefully it was still good. :) There'll be an epilogue soon just to wrap up everything, but this is the end of the main story.


	12. Epilogue

Hey diary, it’s been over a month since I confessed to Ben my feelings for him, and honestly, I still feel a little raw inside. It had been a long time since I had connected so deeply with anyone, laid out my soul for someone else to glimpse, to expose the cracked and bruised person that lay inside, and to do so right after a traumatic event…it was emotionally overwhelming, to say the least. But even through the haze of fear and sadness that had overcome me as I ran away, when I could finally talk it out with someone, anyone, it was like the giant weight over my shoulders had been lifted, that the burden that had quashed who I really was gone, that the secret that I had kept inside for so long had also been washed away in the torrent of tears. 

I know that Ben didn’t intend to hurt me in any way, and I am also glad that he and Amanda have ended up together: I couldn’t be happier for them. After that night with Ben, I didn't go through the usual routine of crying myself to sleep, listening to emotional music, and gorging on ice cream for a week like what I believe how most break-ups go - I just felt like I couldn’t dwell upon what was never actually there. I’ve since moved out from the apartment and I’ve gotten into a new rhythm; while it was nice to have had a ‘work partner’, so to speak, I really appreciate my newfound independence, to be able to discover me, by myself, and not see that in relation to anybody else. 

This past month I have so far followed through on my promise to make sure that I show up for each one of Ben’s therapy sessions, bringing the compulsory pom-poms and megaphone as requested - and I couldn’t care less what weird looks anyone gives me. (And yes, I’ve also profusely apologised to anyone I had so inconsiderately burdened during those two weeks, which fortunately they have all forgiven me before.) 

I’ve also been working hard with my therapist since the period of missing sessions, and really focusing on not only getting over the trauma from the accident, but also really carving out the kind of person I want to be before I even begin a relationship and helping to shape my identity. This one setback doesn't mean defeat: it's just motivation for me to work even harder to connect with whoever I end up wanting to be with next.

Which reminds me...I have been talking to Ben about how to deal with this newfound aspect of my identity. Being unaware of all the terminology typically used to describe our community, I did some searching, and after some highly disturbing internet results that I wish could erase from my memory, I’ve decided that I don’t want to settle on a label for myself yet simply because I’m still not entirely sure yet. So far, Ben is the only one who knows: not my family, coworkers, therapist, and certainly not chat. It’s been tough hiding this from everyone, having to tip-toe past my every word to avoid saying anything, but I don’t want to reveal anything before I’m ready: it’s not that I’m scared that people will react poorly, but…

I've decided that until I've come to terms with what this new part of me is, and become more confident with myself, that I wouldn't say anything to anyone: it's not that I doubt that they wouldn't be completely supportive, but...being comfortable and accepting myself must be the first step. I have identified some local anonymous groups which I've been attending: although I rarely ever contribute, listening to everyone else's experience has helped immensely. I know, I'm sure that I am a great person, and that I should be able to unabashedly love whomever I choose.

…

Adam briefly wiped the sweat of his palms against his shorts before keying in a number into his phone and pressing it against his ear. This was going to be fine; everything was going to go according to plan, absolutely nothing was going to go wrong. “Hey mom.” 

“Hey Adam dear, I haven’t heard from you in so long - you never bother to call your poor mother. So what can I do for my dearest son today?”

Adam sighed, “Mom, I just called you two days ago: it’s not as if some estranged family member who never…” Adam blinked as he realised he was getting off-track. “Mom, I called you today because I’m about to tell you something important. You might want to sit down for a moment.”

“Honey, you’re worrying me. Is everything fine?” A tone of concern crept up through her voice. 

“Yes, everything is fine, I’m not dying or anything like that. It’s just that what I’m about to tell you may be quite surprising, so I wanted you to ready yourself.” 

“Okay. I’m sitting down right now. So…what would you like to tell me?”

“Mom, I think I like guys. I would’ve told earlier if I had known, but I only just recently found out myself.” Silence. “… Mom? Please say something?,” Adam whispered as he simply heard the faint whirr of a fan in the background. 

“Hmm. Oh yes, I heard. I was just checking on my muffins: they’re rising quite nicely. Remind to let you try some next time you come over.” 

“Mom!” Adam protested. “You nearly gave me a heart attack there! Are you okay with what I said?” 

“Yes, yes, Adam, there’s no need to worry at all. You should know that I’m impartial to who you’re attracted to: I’m just really happy that you’re happy, and I promise to support you no matter what. It doesn’t matter to me who you love as long as they make you happy.”

Tears slowly welled up in his eyes, “Thanks Mom for being so supportive. I…didn’t know how you’d react.” 

“Why of course dear: you know that I’ll always be behind whatever you do. You don’t ever have to feel afraid or nervous to tell me anything, ever.” Her voice suddenly lifted, “So…do you have a boyfriend yet? I’d love to meet him at some point.” 

Adam used his sleeve to wipe out the water in his eyes, “Mom, no. I haven’t even started dating guys yet. I’ve only just worked out what I want for myself - it’s way too early to start doing so.” 

“Are you sure? You were always one to keep your relationships secret from me - is there someone you’re not telling me about? I’m perfectly fine with you bringing him over.” 

“Stop it mom, you’re embarrassing me,” Adam whined. “I haven’t even had a date with a guy, let alone progressed to the ‘meet the parents’ stage.”

Ignoring his objections, Adam’s mom continued, “Or maybe we should all go out for dinner together? I’m sure the rest of the family would love to meet him. Perhaps we could all go on a weekend family outing if he’s up for it: then we can spend some real quality time getting to know him. ”

“Bye mom, I’m hanging up now.”

“Take care dear. And be sure to call more often.” Adam could hear her smiling across the phone as hung up and shook his head. Man, parents never cease to be completely embarrassing, even when they’re being supportive.

…

“Guys, gather round; there is something important I'd like to share with all of you,” Adam gestured towards everyone as they were dispersing after yet another live show. 

“Is it going to be quick? We've got all this equipment to pack up, and I've got a clingy toddler that I need to hurry up and get home to,” Graham noted, a camera stand slung over his shoulder. 

Behind the crowd of friends gathering around him, Adam glanced over at Ben, who nodded, smiling in understanding and giving me a thumbs up out of the corner of my vision. “C’mon guys: I think what he has to say is actually quite important. Just hear him out,” Ben called from behind. 

Graham shrugged, “Ok, you've got our attention. What would you like to tell us?” 

“Urm…”, Adam, ever aware of everyone’s eyes directly trained on him cleared his throat before continuing. “I would just like to tell you…”, he paused as he, fumbling, dropped his pen that was between his fingers, and bent over back up, “…to tell you that I like guys. And I’m telling this to you guys because I don’t want there to be something so big kept secret between us.”

In a moment of brief silence, Adam could see expressions of slight surprise and amusement ripple across everybody’s faces.Then James replied, “Okay. Now this equipment isn't going to tidy itself up; Adam, could you please put everything back in the prop room? Everyone’s tired and hungry, so we’ve got to get clean-up done as soon as possible.”

The statement hung there, hovering, before Adam thrust his hands out as if waiting for some kind of response, “That's it? You guys don’t have any questions, or anything else to say or, …?” Adam’s voice trailed away as he saw the encouraging and gentle glances of everyone around him. 

James sighed, “Adam, you could like guys, or girls, or non-binary people, or purple elephants, or donuts - actually, I think most people like donuts, I certainly do - and it wouldn’t matter to us. You’re just a really good person who more than does their job here, so it doesn't matter to us what your romantic preference is - just keep being you, the awesome, funny, ridiculous person that you are.” 

Adam, a little stunned by this blunt statement, stuttered out his response, “I’m not quite sure what to say. Thanks for being so supportive everybody.” 

“Now, lets all come in for a hug.” The group all swarmed around Adam, who was still a little dazed, completely enveloping him, with Ben launching in for a crushing embrace around everyone.

“I love you all”, he said muffled through everyone else. 

“You're still on toilet cleaning duty though; nothing's going to excuse you from that,” James remarked with a laugh, his arms still around Adam. 

“Seriously?” 

…

Adam tugged at his stiff collar for the third time that night, attempting to loosen the coloured noose around his neck. “This is stupid,” he groaned, “Why do I have to wear this? How on earth is this going to help my date go well?” 

“Quiet,” Graham chided as he adjusted the tie back, much to Adam's dismay. “There,” Graham said, patting Adam’s shoulders, as he took a step back to admire his handiwork, “Now you look like you mean business.” Indeed, Adam was now decked out in a navy blue suit jacket with a white dress shirt and a matching blue and silver striped tie. This had been tastefully paired with a pair of khaki pants, a brown leather belt, and brown Oxfords - a stark juxtaposition from Adam’s us usual date outfit of a T-shirt and shorts. 

“I look like a clown,” Adam moaned as he contorted his face in dismay at the reflection staring back at him in the mirror, tugging at his sleeves in an attempt to extend it.

“Actually, I think you look great, cutie,” Ben chimed in from behind Graham with a wink, “Blue is definitely your colour. ”

Adam turned his head to shoot a glare at Ben, “I know I'm at Graham’s house because none of my suits fit me anymore and he's the only one whose sort of formal clothes are evenly remotely close to my size, but why are you here?”

“Because”, Ben deliberately drew out the vowels as if in mocking, “I promised you I'd find someone for you to go on a second date with before the end of the year, and I'm here to make sure all goes according to plan. This has to go well: do you how hard it is to find someone good enough to set you up with? We don’t have enough time to set you up another one of these, so this one must go off without a hitch. You guys need to instantly fall for each other, make weird heart eyes, and be planning your wedding in 6 months, got it? And good thing I intervened and enlisted Graham: how do you not know how to tie a tie - do you have no sense of fashion?”

Adam blushed and turned his head away, “Because I never tie one? Stop making fun of me man!” Registering the entirety of what Ben said, Adam then added, “Also, can you stop making my life into a rom-com? There’s no way that’s going to happen!” 

Ben sighed, “Doesn’t it feel like we're parents sending our child off? Bye bye boy, we'll miss you!” In an overdramatic gesture, He took a piece of paper and waved it in the air like a handkerchief while pretending to wipe away his tears. 

Adam cocked his head to give Ben a look of dismay, “Please stop; you're younger than me.” 

“Yeah...that analogy was a little too much even for me,” Ben admitted. “But yeah! Go have fun on your date and tell us how it goes! Text me all the details every step of the way!” 

Graham turned to face Ben in confusion, “Ben, you may getting just a little bit too invested in this,” before turning back towards Adam, “But seriously. Tell us everything.” 

Adam raised his hands up to cover his reddening face, “I hate you all.”  
…

Adam spread butter across his roll for the third time, anxiously awaiting his date to do something, anything, while nervously tapping his shoe against the carpeted floor in an attempt to release his nervous energy. After about 5 minutes of lingering silence, coupled with the waiter’s repeated prods totem to order, he decided it was time to break the silence. 

“Hi,” they both blurted out at the exact same time, before following it up with a simultaneous “Jinx, you owe me a soda” while pointing at the other person, causing them both to chuckle and fall back into their chairs. 

“Sorry, I haven’t introduced myself yet,” Adam sheepishly noted. “I’m Adam.” 

“I'm Morgan. Apologies for the awkwardness: I'm not great with social interactions either.”

“Neither am I: in fact it was my friend who arranged this date and forced me into this stuffy suit,” he said as he extended his arms across the table in an attempt to adjust his sleeves, “I don’t typically wear these. Ever.”

“Same: my idea of a good date is just staying at home in our pyjamas, watching a movie while eating pizza - I’m really not one for formal occasions. Aren’t our friends just the best? I guess friends always try to set up their single friends together, regardless of possible actual compatibility,” Morgan responded with a smile. “I tried online dating for a while, but quickly stopped after I couldn’t strike up a conversation with anyone. To be honest, I’m absolutely terrified to be out here - everything looks too delicate and pristine. And the romantic music in the background plus the lone candle at our table is not helping.” 

“Yeah...those candles are just fire hazards. And I can barely see anything because it’s so freaking dim.” He glanced across the table at Morgan, who had quietly laughed at his comment. “I thought you'd have already left by now - have I not said something stupid yet?” 

“You're doing just fine, Adam. First dates are always a little awkward. Besides, you’re already doing better than most of my previous dates - you’re clearly much hotter than most of them.” 

Adam immediately turned bright red, and was momentarily glad for the dim light that was obscuring his face. “So, uh, tell me a little bit more about yourself? What are your hobbies?”

“Well, and I know this may sound really juvenile, but I really enjoy playing video games, way more than any respectable adult in their 30s should do. What can I say? I just like repeatedly smashing buttons or pressing keys.” On the inside, Adam was yelling the top of his lungs and repeatedly doing backflips; on the outside, he was just grinning like a goof.

“Hey, I know this may sound a little strange, but do you maybe want to get out of here? My apartment’s not too far from here, and while I don’t have a lot of games on my Xbox, I do have Halo, Mario Kart, the classics.” 

Morgan smiled at him, “That sounds like an absolutely fantastic idea. What are we still doing here,” before getting up and pushing the chair back in. “Lead the way.” 

Adam smiled back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we are done! So yeah, everything turns out wonderfully for our hero in the end. :) And for anyone who has read all the way to the end, thank you so much for doing so - it means a lot that you were invested in this story as much as I was. See you next time. :D


End file.
